Twi-pocalypse

And I'm deaf in one ear... from all the people still wearing glitter nail polish that saw THIS today.

Per yesterday's post, I figured I'd share my thoughts. Pros: Edward is hot. That is a given. Jacob is hot, and unnecessarily shirtless. That is a given. Premarital suckling, brooding and dry humping takes place. This is a given, and a clit tease.

Cons: There is no visual of any action, newborns, human friends, Cullens, werewolf packs, or the tent scene. I was a little surprised because I sort of figured their marketing angle would be more action-oriented.... to highlight the action parts of the movie.... filmed by the action director.... for the action book.... but I guess we like to roll New Moon style.

And thus, the territorial pissing contest over Bella Swan (Eclipse) begins:

Edward: I love you, Bella. *broods*

Bella: I love you but I hate age.

Edward: Ewww... you as a vamp saddens me.

Bella: If you really loved me, you'd change me tomorrow.

Edward: No I wouldn't.

Bella: Or would you?

Edward: Nope.

Bella: *squinty eyes*

Edward: No.

Bella: .....

Edward: .....

Bella: Am I a vamp yet?

Edward: No. You know the deal.

Bella: .....

Edward: You have to marry me first, because I'm a gentleman blood suckler.

(enter Jacob)

Jacob: You wouldn't have to change for me Bella. I love you like whoa.

Bella: I love you too, Jake. Err... I mean, I like you as a friend.

Jacob: Pick me! Pick me! *jumps up and down for attention, then rippppppps off shirt* rip!

Edward: *hisses*

Jacob: You're bad for her! Admit it! She wants to die!

Edward: She completes me.

Jacob: I have a six pack.

Bella: Boys, boys, boys! There's plenty of me to go around--I'm selfish like that, remember? But Jacob, wait your turn... New Moon was last year. Your time won't come until tent scene, when I make out with you only after becoming engaged to someone else and then tell you it was lies after you've risked your life for me... and then not again until you fall for my vamp baby. Rememberrrrr?

Edward: You mean Renesmee? The worst name for a baby in the whole wide world?

Bella: Yeah, her.

Jacob: I don't know, I think Apple is pretty dumb. Or we could name her monster, because she A) is a monster, and B) I will lovingly nickname her nessie, like the dragon in Scotland.

**Meanwhile Edward and Bella have started suckling**

Jacob: Guys! guys!

fin.