Friday, April 30, 2010

Anchorman 2 plans pulled: Fail


Anchorman was the best lovechild to ever come out of the Will Ferrell/Adam McKay partnership IMO. You might not have known that studios were even considering making an Anchorman 2, and that's part of the reason why Paramount pulled out of the project. McKay is spouting off on Twitter about it, clearly bereaved.

Here's the thing, as a cult follower and admirer of everything that is Ron Burgundy, I would no doubt see this in theaters. The first film made just under $90 million, so if they can make the sequel cheap enough it could be worth it. I have a feeling, however, that Anchorman was just another funny comedy and that they aren't as hyped about the characters as I am. Maybe someone else will pick it up, who knows.

Until then, I'll continue to live my life while reusing phrases such as "you're a dirty pirate hooker," "arggghhh, they killed baxter" and "it's so hot! milk was a bad choice!"

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Saving Stephen Baldwin from himself: Fail

Oh man. I love celebrities sometimes. I really do. It's like... I try really hard to WRITE stuff that's as funny as this. But they do it for REALZ.

So... remember Stephen Baldwin? He's one of the Baldwin brothers whose name is NOT Alex. Yeah, the one on the right. He's the one from that show, The Mole, that was briefly cool in the first decade of the 2000's.

Well anyway, he did a stint in celebrity rehab and then became a Born Again Christian. I'm not sure which came first in this instance... the chicken or the egg.

But basically he is bankrupt and some people have creating a website that is COLLECTING DONATIONS TO SAVE HIM. I'm not making this up. Check it out on I know, creative website url, right?

I guess the idea they're pitching is that, since he is a religious man now, we should all pitch in to keep him cool in Hollywood... then he can influence the Perez Hiltons of the world to be, I dunno, religious too and stuff. Maybe then they'll stop wading through their LA purgatories. They assure me that there is no other way to restore him, because money is all that matters in Hollywood, and he'll only be cool if we all pitch in to make him rich.

I dunno, I think it might be a tad more than that. Sort of like old money versus new money. I'm pretty sure agents are going to know he didn't earn that money by being a box office leading man. But on the other hand, if he succeeds it does breed a new realm of blogging platform power. I mean we're talking Obama campaign stuff here, if he can actually pull it off.

Oh Stephen. If only you could have the same comeback your brother is having...

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Breaking Dawn officially gets its director: Pass



Bill Condon. That's the name that will helm the next-big-thing-aka-the-next-big-twilight-porn.

He's actually sort of a big deal, everyone. He directed Dreamgirls, Kinsey, and Gods of Monsters. He also produced the Oscars when Hugh Jackman was the host, aka the time recently when the Oscars wasn't boring/annoying. He won Oscars for adapted screenplays, coached actors/actresses into Oscar noms, and snabbed a bunch of Oscar noms for various directing and writing reasons. He's, like, cool n stuff.

.... um... and Breaking Dawn author Stephanie Meyer is said to be a producer this time around. All the horny teens are probably screaming their heads off right now because it's pretty obvious why that is going down. She wants control over how much sex n violence finds its way onto the movie screen. She's a Morman, guys, ok? We do fade-outs ONLY.

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Friday, April 23, 2010

Help! Help!

Ok kids...

remember back a few weeks when I gasped about how overworked I was when it came to blogging and that I was about to add another to my plate? Well that time has come.

Since I felt like everyone else was crap at it, I volunteered to write an entertainment blog for the SE Michigan News Herald website,, and Heritage Newspapers website, I'm about to get that set up.

Now the most troubling dilemma of all time. What should I name it??

I asked one of my witty and amusing friends, Mr. Alex Ball, to help me come up with some ideas. Here's the list we assembled. Some of them are good. Some of them are terrible. All of them are possibilities.

Before you pick a favorite, the blog is basically a forum for me to add funny, serious or blah things about movies, books and music. Basically, it's a place for me to get snarky about entertainment. Which is basically what I do already in most cases.

Let me know what you think is best....

T-u-r-t-l-e POWER
Real Horrorshow
Vulture Pickings (not actually an option)
Playing in the kiddie pool
A dime's 2 cents (in the running for the top spot)
Elven pen of reviewery +3 (absolutely going to be at least integrated into the blog as a once-a-week gimmick)
The Mill
Peerless Reviews
Filmographic Racket for Saline's high income tax bracket
Heil Entertainment: Nazis suck. Movies sometimes don't. (in the running for top spot)
More like Gay York Times Entertainment section
Papyrus to open your eyelids
Roll credits

I think I like "dime's 2 cents" the most for its cleverness, but it isn't immediately obvious what the blog is about from that title, so maybe that's better as a once-a-week gimmick as well... like a review every week that I call "A Dime's 2 cents." Whereas with Heil Entertainment, people know it's entertainment but it still has a phrase to set the tone. I'm leaning towards this one.

It was very sweet of Alex to call me a dime... aka (for the slow learners) you know how you rate a girl from 1-10? A 10 = a dime? Yeah, awww. There we go.

New Twilight Saga Eclipse Trailer: Pass, but begrudgingly

I say begrudgingly because I hate hype. Summit Entertainment is no fool--you know they have the best trailer producers on this movie. So whether the movie turns out to be crap or not, its trailer is going to pump you up. David Slade directed this one... he does darker things.

There are several pros that I'm gathering from fan reactions. Namely, they are excited that some of the action is finally revealed and looks pretty good, as well as the Cullens and the werewolves. So there's that.

Some cons include that ugly ass ring Bella is given. I mean, I know antiques are cool an everything, but that's basically a studded egg. I'm not a fan of ovals.

I'm actually too Twilight drained to come up with anything witty or disparaging, so I'll just say that I hope it ends up being a solid film. I actually have a soft spot for these actors/actresses, even the one who puts something in his mouth every five minutes....... erhmmmmmmmm................

Oh, and most of the Twihard comments thus far have been along the lines of... omg, omg, the tent scene, the tent scene, i can't wait...

For those unfamiliar with the books, the "tent scene" was sort of a cheat where Stephanie Meyer revealed the inner motivations of the two male leads while Bella is sleeping in a tent and Jacob is wolfy groping her while Edward broods and stuff. What this basically means is that teenagers are still horny, vampires are still turning them on, and parents now have to put full-proof locks on their daughters' windows because they want nothing more than to do some premarital rubbing in a tent. Married or not.

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Tim Burton MoMa Exhibition: Pass

Tim Burton isn't for everyone, I know. But I love him... and from Edward Scissorhands to Nightmare Before Christmas (my favorite movie), here is some artwork from the New York Museum of Modern Art Exhibition on his work...

Read the interview here:

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Procrastination Video: Pass

... a typical day in the life of a procrastinator...

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Trololo Jew: Pass

It might not be a new video, but it sure does bring a smile to my face every damn time. Apparently my brother has decided to be Trololo Jew for Halloween, instead of a Dharma worker like originally planned. I approve of both of those options.

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Twilight New Moon... being mooned: Pass

Ah, yes. A beautifully ironic juxtaposition.

Also, this took place in Walmart.... off

If that doesn't explain 99% of what's happening in this image, nothing will.

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Passive Aggressive Fridge Behavior at Work: Pass

I say pass because it amuses me, not because I am a food stealer. I'm not. Also because I know how it feels when someone eats your food in a college house/at work/etc.

However, leaving passive aggressive notes pushes people to fuck with you. I am impressed mostly by the angry person that was thorough enough to rewrite her note in Spanish--we wouldn't want anyone to miss out on the importance of the message.

All of these and more can be found on

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Catholic Church Window: Fail

Ah, yes. I'm sure whoever created this stained glass window thought it was a great idea at the time. The artist was probably very pure of heart.

.... it might be time to invest in a new stained glass window, guys.

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Python is the new Glock Pistol: Unrated. Both funny and terrifying.

We've all experienced that moment either in a hotel or dorm room where our neighbors annoy us.

Shut up! Turn it down, we yell. Well, a word of caution to you... if you're in South Carolina and you tell your neighbor to turn his music down, make sure he doesn't have any snakes with him.

Apparently a customer of a motel in SC asked his neighbor to turn down his music at ~9 p.m., while the suspect and some friends were running around in the hallways with chairs. Later that evening when the victim went outside for a smoke, the suspect shoved a python in his face which scratched his lip and apparently "tried to climb into his mouth."

The two individuals had conversed earlier at check-in, and the victim had admitted that "he doesn't do snakes," so the suspect sought retribution about the noise complaint with the victim's worst nightmare.

The victim then took a three-hour shower to stop himself from freaking out.

The python is ok.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tiger Woods in the Media: Fail

I know we're all sick of him, because I'm sick of him. But when my boss said that her boss said that we have to link this story on our newspaper's Web site, I did like any good minion does... I did as I was told and then commented on how stupid this media blowup is on this blog. =)

I guess his marriage is still in shambles, and his decent showing at the Master's did not woo her back into his arms. An Australian paper is saying that Entertainment Tonight is saying that Elin is about to file for divorce. Yes, that was a haphazard sentence, because I don't know why newspapers are suddenly quoting ET as a source. Last I checked, it was a Ryan Seacrest show for gossip. Not that I doubt the news to be false.... I'm sure Elin probably wants divorce. I mean if she doesn't, she'll forever be "that hot blonde girl that let Tiger Woods cheat on her." Frankly, I don't know why the paperwork hasn't already been filed.

And, for good measure and Web traffic (which is really all this is about), here is the link to the "story."

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Castle of Excellence: Epic Pass

If that looks like a castle, then I guess it's no surprise that I feel like a princess. The Society of Professional Journalists Better Newspapers Contest awards dinner is this evening at the San Marino Club in Troy, pictured above. It looks pretty epic, and I have a feeling I'm going to feel pretty epic. I won something, so that's cool... most likely for sports columnist, because everything else I submitted was proper rubbish.

It's also a pretty good thing that I decided not to purchase Internet on my phone, because that might actually tempt me into liveblogging the awards ceremony, and I wouldn't want to get lippy online about bad speeches and hairpieces.

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Monday, April 12, 2010

United Airlines Disability Policy: Fail

Give that a read. Apparently a disabled woman, who happens to be a popular LiveJournal blogger, had an incredibly terrible experience on a United Airlines flight. You won't even believe the ridiculousness. I know almost everyone hates at least one aspect of flying. If it had been me going through what this girl went through, I would have sobbed.

Basically, in summary, this girl repeatedly had to wait for a wheelchair, which almost caused her to miss the flight because they kept giving them to people that were elderly and they didn't believe she was disabled (bc she's young, doesn't appear disadvantaged, etc... has some sort of spinal injury aka the worst). She finally gets one and is taken to the flight ramp, where she asks the woman at the check-in to make sure there is a note to have a wheelchair waiting for her upon arrival. She is assured that there will be one waiting for her.

Then once she finally gets onboard, she asks a flight attendant to help her load her carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment. Then this happens (from the girls' letter and blog post)....
          "If I helped everyone do that all day then MY back would be killing me by the end of the day!" I asked her how I was supposed to get my luggage stowed and her answer was: "You'll just have to wait for someone from your row to come back here and ask them to give you a hand." When I asked what would happen if no one would, her response to me was: "Well, normally a passenger is around to overhear something like this and they'll offer to help with it on their own. You'll just have to ask someone when they get back here." Then she turned back around and went up to the front seats where she waited to "assist" other passengers.

So then she finally gets a passenger to help her load it--a passenger who is not PAID to ASSIST, mind you--into the overhead compartment. The same kind man helps her unload once the flight lands. She gets off the ramp to find, what? You guessed it. No chair waiting for her. More than a half hour later, she still has no wheelchair to take her through the terminal. She opts to approach a customer service desk once she DOES get one... and this happens (oh, it gets work, courtesy of Dina the customer service agent)..

          Dina the customer service agents' response to girl's complaints: "I won't apologize for her actions and I'm not sorry for what happened to you. It's not in our contract to assist passengers with their luggage and we reserve the right to refuse assistance to anyone. If that's what you need, then perhaps in the future, you should make other travel arrangements."

Oh, wait. It gets better. Somehow, some way.

          Things went downhill from there because I pointed out that being disabled, I required assistance and Dina said that I obviously should have asked the person pushing the wheelchair for me to come on and load my luggage. She even turned to the woman pushing me now and asked her if she'd every followed a passenger on board to assist them with luggage. The woman pushing me flat out said: "No, that's the stewardess' job." That seemed to take the wind out of Dina for a moment, but she recovered quickly and repeated again that she wasn't sorry for what happened to me.

          This time, however, she added: "It's not actionable. She won't even get a slap on the wrist, so there's no recourse for you in this situation." I was getting more and more upset with every word she said and I asked her if that meant it really was company policy to depend on their other passengers to provide assistance to the disabled. Dina's answer was: "Normally another passenger will step in and help, yes. If you have troubles, you really should ask them." I was unaware that it was company policy to depend on complete strangers who are in no way affiliated with United to provide my disability assistance while I'm on your airline.

So after all of this went down, this blog post/letter circulated Facebook, Twitter and the blogosphere... and finally someone make a tweet @UnitedAirlines on Twitter, and they had this to say:

@UnitedAirlines responds on Twitter: "This is concerning. We're looking into this matter."
Oh, of course you are, United Airlines. By the way, the reason all of this happened (not a good or acceptable reason) is that flight attendants don't get worker's comp if they injure themselves by helping someone else with luggage. AKA there is clearly some interior fury going on at the airlines, and some worker rage... which led to passive aggressive rage against passengers who really, REALLY need the help.

Part of the reason the Airline responded was because good old Kevin Smith's name was dropped. Remember him? He was essentially discriminated against over at Southwest Airlines.

Since the info and letter have circulated, and United Airlines PR got a chance to get up to speed, these two Tweets were also made by United Airlines:

UnitedAirlines: What the customer describes is unacceptable. We are working to reach her to offer apology, & identifying the employees involved.


UnitedAirlines: We take serving customers with disabilities very seriously. Trying to contact the customer to apologize & resolve. Thank you for feedback.

Ah yes, sweet sweet public relations. I hope this girl goes all the way. Apparently she is sending the letter to the American Disabilities Association (they'll have a field day), as well as Aviation Consumer Protection and Enforcement.

So you think your flight was bad? Think again.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

American Geography Knowledge: Fail

For those of you who had to google Kyrgyzstan at first (don't worry, I did too) to find out EXACTLY where this country is... take a look at the map I've provided or check out their Wikipedia page, and perhaps enjoy Yakko's little tutorial! Come on kids... let's learn our geography and not be "stupid Americans" anymore.

And while we're at it... for all those Americans out there who don't know all 50 of our own states (thankfully I do know this at least), view Wacko's tutorial!

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Riot police: Fail

Kyrgyzstan officials have declared a national state of emergency. The clashes between riot police and anti-government opposition forces are getting worse. Death counts could be in the hundreds. Police are firing on citizens, and citizens are stoning police officers to death and setting fire to armored vehicles.

For those unfamiliar with the situation:

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Riot police: Fail

Kyrgyzstan officials have declared a national state of emergency. The clashes between riot police and anti-government opposition forces are getting worse. Death counts could be in the hundreds. Police are firing on citizens, and citizens are stoning police officers to death and setting fire to armored vehicles.

For those unfamiliar with the situation:

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Monday, April 5, 2010

I am writer. Hear me roar: Epic Win of the Ages

I have two epic wins this week... you know, personally.

First, I just found out I'm an award winner in this year's Society of Professional Journalists (SPJ) Better Newspapers Contest for Michigan. I'm fairly certain it's for sports columnist, but I don't know for sure... we don't find out what we won until we get to the banquet. I mean, this is a fairly big deal. I've won a few Michigan Press Association awards, but this is my first SPJ and it's pretty exciting. Only four people in our Heritage Newspaper cluster won something. So huzzah for me! HUZZAH! Oh, Mitch Albom will be there too, most likely for the same award but in the higher circulation category. He writes for the Detroit Free Press, and I, well, don't.

My second epic win is that I am successfully on track for Script Frenzy 2010. I'm finding it WAYYYYYY easier than normal NaNoWriMo because, like, novels have description and stuff. Not to say that I don't like description, I do. But dialogue is easier for me and always has been. I officially have 16 pages under my belt, which puts me exactly on schedule. I am winning this thing that is hard and stuff.

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Barack Obama shoots hoops on Easter: Pass

Whelp, I figured what the heck... it was a holiday and all. Obama took some time to shoot hoops with a few kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll. Obama don't roll no eggs. Obama shoots hoops. Because he's a badass, and so is the teeny tiny little black boy that has to throw his entire body to make it halfway to the hoop. Who knows, that kid could be the next Muggsy Bogues.

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Cannonball: Fail

Some people shouldn't procreate.

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Dr. Evermore's Forevertron: Epic Pass

This guy in Wisconsin has the largest scrap metal sculpture in the entire world. It is extremely awesome, and sort of makes me wish he would write a fantasy novel and/or build me a fort in my backyard. It's called Dr. Evermore's Forevertron, which means he also passes at giving things amazingly obviously but still cool names.

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Saturday, April 3, 2010

James Franco, the writer: Epic Fail

Ok, look. I have no problem with the commonly known versions of James Franco.... such as, James Franco the actor or James Franco the hottie. But James Franco the writer? Dear God, save me now.

I first heard of Franco's experimental exploits about six months ago when he showed up on a news stream as having joined a soap opera and taken it way too seriously. He basically got mad because of an interaction that went something like this.

Media: Oh, you joined the cast on a soap? How's that going?
James: OMG. You're a noob. This is not a soap. This is art.
Media: Wait, what?
James: *broods*
Media: It's a soap opera. It's General Hospital
James: This is a serious role with lots of seriousness and thought.
Media: ......

This guy is reaching as hard as he possibly can to be a philosophical person. He wants, wants, wants to be "intellectual." He went to Columbia and Tisch, which is all fine and well, and now he's going for a PhD in English at Yale, which is also (I guess) all fine and well... mainly because the more education, the better IMO.

HOWEVER, I do fear that the ensuing PhD program will encourage him to create more terrible prose. He'll soon be publishing his first story collection, Palo Alto, which may or may not include "Just Before the Black" aka the most painful read ever. As a writer, it's usually your job to tell the story, and relying on similes is all fine and well sometimes... but not in a way that is distracting... sort of like these little gems:

“the air plays on my forehead like a cold whisper”
“his weight spreads from his belly across the seat, like it was a plastic sack full of liquid, rolling in layers upon itself”
“it’s like a boar’s grunt, a deep thing, from the thick part of his throat”
“It looks like the point of a golf tee in his fat, clenched paw.”
“the blue shadow-smoke drifts over the gate of his teeth like fog over a graveyard”
“He smiles with rotten teeth like busted shingles”
“like a blubbery peekaboo face, so surprised”
“a laughter that bubbles out like popcorn”
“covered in flowing blood, going onto his shirt like ketchup randomness”
“I replaced the lights, but they were crooked and looked in different directions, like Peter Falk’s glass eye and real eye.”
“like standing on the cloudy threshold of heaven and seeing something so bright and tantalizing and warmy-womby-feeling but not being able to enter”
“he is hunched like a pile of trash against the base of the altar”

or my FAVORITE OF THEM ALL. He even uses similes to describe sex, such as “like a mommy with her little baby making him feel good..."

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... what? If that simile doesn't make you uncomfortable, there's a problem. I mean, reading a sex scene is typically the highlight of a reader's day, but now Franco has gone and made it awkward.

Palo Alto is about some friends that work in the Palo Alto Municipal Golf Course pro shop and consider death as a fun alternative to their boredom. Right away that raises some red flegs... I mean I know it's "fiction," but knowing how bad he is at allegory and similes, I almost think maybe we're reading a version of his diary. Maybe EMO Franco thinks dying would be a fun alternative to his "boredom."

Come away from the ledge, James. Come away. Just don't read your prose to me.

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Friday, April 2, 2010

Script Frenzies and Food Revolutions: Pass

Nothing huge to report when it comes to funny business, because in all seriousness it was a very serious day. I'm currently engaging in National Novel Writing Month's (NaNoWriMo's) Script Frenzy. 100 pages. 30 days. one script. one awesome person. Well, hopefully...

I got started a day late for newspaper reasons, but I cranked out a good 6 pages today, which basically made up for it. Good for me. And we're off!

Also just finished watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on ABC. I am massively supportive of this TV show and what it stands for. My mom made my lunch for me everyday growing up and I ate healthy as a result. But more importantly, now that I'm an adult I'm aware of what it means to do that. I hope people tune in or at least take the message to heart and do what they can to get their friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, whatever eating properly. It isn't that hard to cook with raw ingredients. Here's a video to take a look at... Jamie doing what he does best:

... and exercise couldn't hurt the equation either. Spring is here! Even taking a walk each night could be a nice little thing. Not everyone has to join a gym. Or grab a basketball, kickball, baseball, volleyball, whatever, and get outside and moving. Working out isn't always about machines. It's about movement.

... and now, your moment of hearty laughter, to shake off those moments of drudgery!!

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Thursday, April 1, 2010

Gaming POS kid wants some friggin chocolate milk: Fail

.... and this is why some people shouldn't procreate. It's also why I'm able to say sweeping statements such as, "I hate most children," and ,"our country is doomed to become that which is joked about in Idiocracy." I mean, this video has been around for a while, but I ran across it again recently and still couldn't believe it.

... but by the same token, this kid has a point. Chocolate milk is the shit.

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Gaming POS kid wants some friggin chocolate milk: Fail

.... and this is why some people shouldn't procreate. It's also why I'm able to say sweeping statements such as, "I hate most children," and ,"our country is doomed to become that which is joked about in Idiocracy." I mean, this video has been around for a while, but I ran across it again recently and still couldn't believe it.

... but by the same token, this kid has a point. Chocolate milk is the shit.

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Don't Stop Believin', even via Glee: Pass

It's Don't Stop Believin', ya'll. If this song doesn't shout springtime driving with the windows rolled down in a red Mustang while some jackass sing-screams at the top of his lungs.... then I don't know what does. I don't have a red Mustang, and I don't think I'm a jackass... but I was doing that today. On my way to work. When I was in a good mood. I was not listening to it when I left, but it was still a helluva beautiful day. Nice of you to show up, weather. Maybe don't be such a dormant bitch next time.

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Some animals bite the dust: Pass

Not that I don't like animals, but everyone has to appreciate the great circle of life. I know National Geographic does... that's why they took these pictures. "Scariest death scene" has to go to the bat. "Cutest innocent about to be slayed" clearly goes to the unknowing and puffy little bird about to be eaten by a snake.

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