Sunday, January 17, 2010


kate winslet presenting best actor in a drama movie. jeff bridges, george clooney, colin firth, morgan freeman, tobey maguire. who will it be? (winslet looks pretty, as always). winner is jeff bridges for crazy heart. i haven't seen this yet. THE DUDE! THE DUDE WINS!@ STANDING O! no really. they're giving him a standing o and maguire looks like he wants to cry. man, he has the sexiest manliest voice in the world. his speech is strangly "i'm an old boy with a mama and a papa and we be dancin while drinkin beer en smokin some cigs. i'm just a down home boy." ok, dude. we know. don't let it get to your head. he just thanked about everyone who ever lived. no really. he just thanked his stand in. talk about being unprepared. he also thanked his wife first... and ricky gervais probably just had a heart attack, because he totally called it.

julia roberts presenting best motion picture drama. the BIG ONE! nominees once more are avatar, hurt locker, inglorious basterds, precious, up in the air. golden globe goes to... avatar. LUL. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BILLIONS OF DOLLARS BUYS. IT BUYS GOLD. hahahahaha. i can't even describe the facial expressions of the losers. all the movies this year were actually kind of meaningful and good in this category. fyi james cameron should probably cut his hair also. he is trying to give a speech about walking in here and being blown away but the feeling. but, um, james... reminder, we haven't forgotten that you won like 9 oscars 10 years ago for titanic. just because it happened a decade ago doesn't mean we've forgotten. you're no newbie.

gervais wraps it up with another heartless plug of his show.

so that's a wrap kids! i'm officially out! i also noticed that the more i drank, the more i used caps lock. coincidence? definitely not. goodnight =)


getting to the end of it now.

begins with the hangover cast with mike tyson presenting a clip of their own movie, the hangover. it's hilarious because mike tyson has the most effeminate voice in the world. but he's also the scariest man on earth.

reese witherspoon is looking good. she's presenting best motion picture comedy or musical. 500 days of summer, the hangover, it's complicated, julie and julia, nine. and the golden globie goes to... the hangover? YUP!@# the woofpack wins it! $5 says that when they were making a movie that included a naked asian man running around spouting stereotypes, they weren't thinking golden trophies.

another BUMP COMMERCIAL. "know when that bump is just a bump, and when it's A SIGN TO GO TO THE LIFESAVING EMERGENCY CLINIC! DON'T YOU WATCH THE TELEVISION SERIES 'HOUSE'? THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO EVERYDAY PEOPLE" thanks for that local 4 news. i had no idea that my local news source was this desperate for material. next week i'll share all my soft news leads with you while tucking you in at night with a bottle of warm apple cider. it will all be ok. i pinky swear.

please welcome the governor of awesomeness. cue ARNOLD LOOKING DAPPER. awwww. avatar sounds like avader out of his funny mouth. oh man. the governor just made an unpolitically correct NBC joke while PRESENTING ON NBC. i knew this night would be interesting. way to go, nbc. most botched contract deal EVER.

ok mickey rourke takes the stage. in... a cowboy hat? wow he's not slurring. best actress in a motion picture drama. emily blunt, sandra bullock, helen mirron, carey mulligan, demore syllaby (i can't spell her name, i know, i'm googling it as we speak). ok it's spelled gabourey sidibe. sandra bullock wins for blind side, by the way. she looks amazing in purple.

someone is presenting in a shiny dress. i don't know who she is. but she's british. best actor in a motion picture comedy or musical. matt damon (the informant), robert downie jr. (sherlock holmes), joseph gorden levitt (500 days of summer), michael something (a serious man), daniel day lewis (nine). golden globe goes to robert downey jr for sherlock holmes. comeback of the decade? i think so. and it all started with a man made of iron and then an american playing an australian playing an african american. LOL funniest acceptance speech ever. i want to be his friend. please, robert downey jr. be my friend.

home stretch here. i think there are only like two left.

the vino goes down and the awards continue to go out

samual l. jackson is the coolest mofo around. he's here in harry potter's spectacles to present a clip of inglorious basterds. he's also presenting sophia loren. "a real, live movie star" harrison ford doesn't look comfortable giving her a standing ovation just for existing. but then again, he was slurring his words earlier.

sophia is old and is also wearing harry potter's glasses to present best foreign language film. baaria (italy), broken embraces (spain), the maid (chile... this one is going to win), a prophet (france), the white ribbon (germany). and the winner is... the white ribbon. well, ok. they got token points for being german and doing a world war one movie i think. they obviously weren't expecting that because this director was sitting WAYYYY in the back. the cue music was basically playing while he was still making his way to the stage. his speech was sweet. he seems like a very sweet german man. oooo.. token show of governor shwarzenegger. looking dapper and political AT THE SAME TIME.

amy pouler and some dude presenting some award. oh ok it's best series drama... this is a big one that i actually care about. big love, dexter (given the momentum, this might win), house (PLEASE WIN SOMETHINGGGG), MAD MEN (OMG I LOVE YOU MOAR), true blood (vamps <3). and the golden globe goes to... Mad Men! and Jon Hamm's beard is FAMOUS. so is his penis. i'm very happy about this obviously. my season three will be arriving in march. her boobs are HUUUUUUUGE!!!! <---that right there about the boobage was chris in awe of the actress that plays joan (the red head). he typed it. i didn't. she is the most curvacious woman in hollywood. even more so than beyonce. she is so beautiful and she looks great tonight in a nice little peach/champagne number.

designer chloe wins as supporting or non-supporting actress in a mini series or something... id on't remember the category. it's for big love.

halle barry looks stunny as usual. best supporting actor in a motion picture nominees matt damon, woody harrelson, christopher plummer, stanley tucci, christolph waltz (won the critics choice award). yup, he (christolph waltz) wins for his play in inglorious basterds. i'll back this. he played an awesome german character.


okie dokie it looks like robert deniro and leonardo dicaprio are here to honor martin scorcese for his movie legacy. ummm, wow that's... hmmm.. ok. deniro just made a porno reference.. he just awkwardly compared scorcese to someone that has sex with film stock. cue leo on the more serious notes. leo is basically scorcese's adopted son. wow. sometimes i forget how distinctive scorcese's voice really is. and how short he is. wow. is he even 5 feet tall? i mean deniro isn't a tall guy...

scorcese reminds us all that film is both a form of entertainment AND and art, and that the artform is a way to document our histories, our feelings, our thoughts and our hearts. it was a cute speech. the fact of the matter is... scorcese is a great director (who albeit overuses the voiceover technique), but i didn't fully appreciate him until i studied film in college on a more detailed scale. i'm glad he's getting recognition because it took him WAY too long to win that oscar award.

jodie foster looks AWESOME. she's presenting the clip for The Hurt Locker. i never saw this. i'm going to rent it immediately. it didn't come to any theaters near me. boo.

gervais is now relying on his publicly drinking alcohol to be funny. i'm getting disappointed. oh wait. nope, he saved it with a politically incorrect joke about drunken mel gibson. god i love him. he's presenting director... the hurt locker, avatar, invictus, up in the air, inglorious basterds. and the golden globe goes to... james cameron for avatar. LOL. WOW. THERE IS NO WAY QUENTIN TARANTINO DOESN'T WANT TO KILL HIMSELF. but come onnnnn guys he spent like 5 YEARS ON THIS MOVIE. awwww... he said kathryn should've won it (the hurt locker). that's really sweet considering she's his ex-wife. he basically thanks all his CGI, 3D and digital creators. oh and he thanks zoe saldana and sigourney and sam. he now thanks his second wife for standing by him and being his heart. oh snap kathryn!

keither sutherland and 13 from house are presenting best tv series comedy or musical. noms are 30 rock, entourage, glee, modern family, the office. and the winner is glee. HOLY shit really?! man i love glee. i just bought season 1 and watched it in a day. tina fey is not happy. whatever. 30 rock has already won like 8,000 awards. glee is hilarious... mostly because of that really tall woman that plays with the hot dog in "role models." awww... the producer/director just said "this is for anyone and everyone who ever got a wedgie in high school." eat it, fey.

commercials and then golden globes #4/#5

HAHAHAHAHAH. i just saw a local news 4 commercial for kids with bumps on their heads. it basically goes, "you know how kids bump their heads on things because they run around like kids? well just be warned... one day, that bump might not actually be just a bump. it could be... a twin... an alien... CANCER!... more on local 4 news." wow. thanks for that.

back to the awards...

helen mirron presents the clip for "precious" and things get serious again because of sexual abuse, teen pregnancy, violence, illiteracy, and obesity.

zoe saldana and sam worthington from avatar presenting. she looks freaking beautiful. i'm not sure what they're presenting. i think it's actor in a tv movie. i'm not sure because i've never heard of any of these movies/shows, and yet i know all of the actors nominated. ok it looks like it's for tv movie or mini series. anyway it goes to kevin bacon. he's looking very hipster with his thick rimmed glasses. way to be... glad to see you're still footloose at heart. now get off the stage. the female winner in the same category was drew barrymore for grey gardens. this pleases me. see post below. self promotion always wins. awww.. her speech was actually pretty cute and nice, despite the fact that she has a sea urchin growing out of her dress's shoulder. she says she's been in this career since she was seven (see imdb, search "ET"), but she just wants to be a nice human being and she sets monique as the bar for everyone. she seems like a pretty down to earth chick. i approve.

cameron diaz up to present now... she looks AWESOME. also ricky gervais just took a swig of some booze from below his presenter's stand. and he's now talking about how the writing award is a downer. actors are better because they're the ones saying the words. it was a continually uncomfortable speech that i know most people hate, but i loved. because i love when people are uncomfortable.

gerard butler and jennifer aniston are presenting for screenplay in a motion picture. i actually care about this category (you know, as a writer and all). the winner is... up in the air.

jennifer garner looks great. she's with ashton kutcher for actor in a comedy or musical television show. the winner is alex baldwin of 30 rock who ISN'T there because he's at a charity event. and because he never thought he'd win. but he did.

maggie gyllenhaal is there to plug haiti relief. no really. she wasn't presenting anything. she was just up there to talk about haiti before the commercial break. they had to get that in before we were attacked by capitalist commercial products like Crest toothpaste and motorola phones.

it's 9:30. that means we've officially hit the halfway point. i'm getting kind of tired tbh. and drunk. my spelling and grammar are going to get exceptionally worse in a bit. so i might lessen up on the witty banter and simply try typing the winners. we'll see how it goes.

golden globes #3 or #4 (not sure, similarly don't know if this is wine glass #3 or #4)

wow... ricky gervais is going to get BOO'ed by the end of the night.... he just dared to mock mccartney. the beatles are untouchable. he's british--he should know better.

Cher and Christina Aquilera are presenting the music category. they look like pretty stupid standing next to each other, but aquileria looks pretty hot. i guess so does cher considering how freaking old that brawd is. they're obviously presenting a music category... ah yes, there we go, best song. nominations to nine, avatar, everybody's fine, crazy heart, brothers. crazy heart will probably win... and the winner is.... crazy heart. told you. (p.s. jeff bridges still looks like the dude. i don't think he was acting when he made "the big lebowski")

best original score... up, the informant, avatar, a single man, where the wild things are are nominated. it goes to "Up". god bless you, pixar.

best mini series or tv movie... aka the category absolutely no one cares about other than the actors that are in them. mostly because they receive zero publicity and no one EVER sees them unless they are critics or hermits. i'm liking the look of the one that has Mr. Darcy in it though. gray gardens will probably win because that one actually DID receive some PR. and the winner is.... ooooooh i was right it's grey gardnes. drew barrymore deserves an award of her own with jessica lang. those two got super high and attended every single awards show and event as one another's lesbian date. the chick accepting the award is getting the HINT, HINT music because she wasted her previous acceptance time throwing out big words early. now she's just rattling off names. epic failure of an acceptance speech.

tom hanks looks awesome as usual. i wish he was an uncle or something. but apparently he isn't a very good comedian. he tried in his presentation speech, but i guess he really upset the actor he joked about. oh ok. he's not presenting an award. he's just presenting a clip of julie and julia. if meryl streep doesn't win this year i think the earth might explode.

gervais gets serious... is this going to be about haiti? ok we're talking about stereotypes... and how colin ferrell is a drunk, irish arse. fact. "oh i once was a cliche" he's presenting best actress in a comedy or musical... nominated is sandra bullock (proposal), marian cotilliard (nine), julia roberts (duplicity), meryl streep (it's complicated), meryl streep (julie and julia). is meryl streep going to beat herself? or is the world going to implode? and the winner is meryl streep for julie and julia. let's see if she's drunk like last year. i have to say she looks classy tonight in a nice black number. she says she wants to be named "t.bone streep." yup... she's drunk again. she says she loves nora (the author of the original book). there we go meryl, thanking the cast and crew is always safe... pull it together. then she talks about her mother and being inspired to get through the druggery that is hollywood when so many bad things (aka earthquakes) are going on. yeah meryl. we know it's tough. we're one of the little people. (p.s. i tease, but i do actually love her)

the trophies continue...

ricky is back to make fun of the actors. and himself. he keeps hilariously self promoting his movies and television shows. felicity huffman is drunk. she can't present anything right now. HILARIOUS. oh, hollywood. i love you.

ok now it's time for actor in a tv series. please win jon hamm. please win jon hamm. or hugh laurie because his speeches are always the best. if bill paxton wins i'm quitting. he looks like he has aids. and the winner is...... michael c. hall wins from Dexter. what is going on with the men in dexter? i guess i'm going to have to watch this show. my old roomie loves it. also now i feel bad for making fun of him because he has cancer. he has hodgkins lymphoma. i'm such a jerk for being mad at the cancer patient. i guess that's a 50/50. i'm not pleased. but i'm not quitting either.

best actress in a tv series drama... january jones should win based on boob power alone. she looks hot. anna paquin would be ok simply based on the vampire factor alone. glenn close was nominated and damages is a good show, but mostly i just loved her in the 101 dalmations. and the winner is... julianna margolese from the wood wife. i'm going out on a limb and saying she's only winning because she plays opposite Mr. Big. sex and the city only ever won these awards when he was a primary character. coincidence? i think not. whatever. i like her i guess.

the reason i love ricky gervais

... like any other british comedian, he isn't afraid to A) talk about his tiny penis, and B) that actresses and actors are overrated. he basically made fun of the facial recognition and the fact that most of them are full of themselves. should probably youtube it.

angelina jolie makes all asian babies scream "mommy"
hugh laurie saves lives as a brit pretending to be an englishman
keifer sutherland is a badass

then nicole kidman opened the show with a major debbie downer speech about haiti... like every opening presenter does (i.e. remember tom cruise post 9/11... what we do is art, donate your heart, blah blah blah... keith urban was in the backgroun looking like he was in desperate need of a stiff drink...)

so far toni collette took home award for supporting actress in a tv series. monique unsurprisingly took away best supporting actress in Precious. no surprise there considering her standing O in the critics choice awards. she'll probably get the oscar too since the judges are a split between the two ceremonies. monique's speech was pretty much from the heart, almost uncomfortably so.

award for supporting actor in a tv series went to jon lipko from dexter. jerempy piven is pissed to lose again, and last year's host neil patrick harris obviously also didn't win. he's probably pissed that this year he no longer has the ability to complain about losing for the next five presentations.

best animation feature film is a highlight mostly because mccartney just made a cartoon drug reference. the winner was Up. no surprise there. pixar has the unbeatable equation for visual stimulation while still pullin at those heartstrings. p.s. that movie made me cry in the first 10 minutes. that opening montage was the saddest most depressing thing in the entire world.

this is not related to the awards being given out right now, but i do want to mention that during the ET pre-show stuff... miss jay (the guy from America's Next Top Model with silver hair) thanked Mariah Carey for "bringing her own golden globes this evening." he was talking about her juggs... lul. he's right. those things have their own solar system, and nick canon just has this goofy smirk on his face... alknowing. if she wins anything at this one, hopefully she won't be drunk this time.

more after break...

red carpet ongoings

no swans yet. i'm actually really disappointed. people are getting classier all of a sudden.

jon hamm is looking awesome. with a beard. he is freaking adorable. he is the one actor that gets cuter when lesser men would be pathetic looking.

meanwhile... gerard butler looks like he has mono... probably mainly because he has an ineffective spray tan that looks particularly ridiculous in the pouring rain.

holy crap. kate hudson is wearing a space shuttle-turned-evening-gown that actually looks good. she wears ridiculous things that always look sweet..


he always looks good. he's basically a ken doll for GQ. also all of their questions to him are about girls. i can't decide if that's because they think he's vapid with no substance... or if they're just terrible interviewers. maybe both. he is actually the most well-trained young actor in terms of media, though... so attempting to get personal information out of him seems pointless.

jennifer garner looks amazing. and she's a mom. courtney cox might have gone under the knife again. her expressions are somewhat muted. i also think i just saw mariah carey's boob pop out. not an accident.

no big dress mistakes so far. the popular colors seem to be black, navy blue, white and steel tones. lots of grays. very few pop colors. a few gold. the boys are sporting pocket squares because they all want to be jon hamm aka don draper aka the sexiest man alive.

callista flockhart still looks like a parakeet. harrison ford hasn't aged a day. heidi klum has recent-mom cleavage

that's all for now... commerical break for "the holiday" with q. latifah

Saturday, January 16, 2010

oh, golden globes. you're so sexy.

since I'm obsessed with awards season.. i figure i'll live blog this year's awards. i'm going to be watching them anyway. now if you don't feel like watching yourself, you can just check in and see who is wearing what, who is making fun of whom and which awards have been won. it will be grand, i say! it will also be ridiculous. no one can write about these things for that many hours without downing a few liquored up beverages, if you know what i mean.... by liquored beverage...

i guess the critics choice awards and the golden globes combine to make the penultimate oscar baby. basically the winners of both and all powers combine to make a surefire predictor of the academy award winners. critics choice awarded best movie and director (Kathryn Bigelow) to the hurt locker. hangover took best comedy. meryl streep (julie and julia) and sandra bullock (the blind side) shared best actress. lebowski (jeff bridges) from crazy heart took best actor. christolph waltz from inglorious bastards and monique from precious were the best supporting actor and actress. avatar won all the visual categories, including cinematography, editing and special effects. it won seven total i believe. district 9 won for makeup. best original screenplay was inglorious bastards (quentin tarantino) and adapted screenplay went to up in the air.

what i like about the golden globes is that it isn't all drama movies. you get to see the comedies and musicals appreciated... because comedy is hard. just listen to jack black and will farrell.

Friday, January 8, 2010

it's a blizzard!

well, not really. it's 3.8 inches. enough to get just one local school closed. but that'll do!

frankly, my car is crap in the snow. it's really just dangerous crap. my brakes are already suspect on a perfect, dry day. factor in snow and it takes me 100 yards to stop going 25 mph. as a result, i missed an important sharon township meeting that took place last night. i might have missed volleyball if it weren't for my friend beth's reliable Geo.

but now it's all snowy and pretty outside, which unfortunately makes me not want to work. at all. it makes me want to hunker down inside in the fetal position with warm apple cider and a pile of Disney movies. sometimes i really miss being a kid.

and yet as an adult i get the option to make those decisions for myself. so i might actually work from home today if i can manage it. writers do that sometimes. the question i have to ask myself is whether or not i think i'll actually be productive. if the answer is no, i'll have to motivate myself to shower and head in. if i can somehow convince myself that i can bust out several stories, then me and my pajamas are going to be mates for life. i wonder which one i'll choose...

in other news, oscar season approaches. i freaking love oscar season. i am the biggest award show sap in the world... and even as a middle school student i was making lists of notable movies and checking them off my list as i watched them. i always wanted to have seen all the major ones prior to awards season. this year i'm doing terrible, which makes me sad. i decided last year (one of many new year's resolutions) that i would be more money conscious... and that basically translated into going to fewer movies and renting them when they were released instead. so i've seen Sherlock Holmes and Avatar recently... and New Moon obviously. I've also seen Inglorious Basterds which has a Golden Globe nom for best picture drama. actually, i might as well just re-post the nominations as they stand (best picture only):

Best picture in a drama:
Avatar (saw it in 3D IMax like the rest of the planet... oh hello box office record! my name is james cameron. it's good to see you again!)
The Hurt Locker (never came to a theater near me... you lied commercials. you lied.)
Inglorious Basterds (saw it, loved it, own it)
Precious (wanted to see, was afraid of content/couldn't find someone interested)
Up in the Air (seeing tonight/tomorrow with my lovable manfriend)

2/5 is pathetic. Soon to be 3/5. I can do better. I WILL do better. Maybe the Hurt Locker is out for rent now? =/

Best picture in a musical or comedy:
(500) days of summer (renting this weekend obviously)
The Hangover (saw it, own it, peed my pants)
It's Complicated (if i can find someone equally obsessed with Alex Baldwin, i'll have a movie date)
Julie and Julia (renting this weekend, obviously)
Nine (surprisingly i don't want to see this. I was totally on the bandwagon because I can't resist a musical with Nicole Kidman... let alone a musical with Nicole Kidman and all those other actresses, but it hasn't been getting great reviews. i'll rent this and not bat an eye.)

Um. 1/5. So bad.

Lucky for me... the Oscars typically don't take to comedies. However, I did hear that (500) days of summer would probably be up for something, as will the shoe-in Nine just because of its star power.

so anyway... that's what some of my spare time will be spent doing the next few weeks. You can probably safely add "writing for fun," "reading," and "various vampire-related tendencies" to that list.

Speaking of vampire tendencies... this just came out and I'm obviously going to see it asap.