Life in an Inkpot: June 2010

Obviously I've been down lately, so the idea of being sarcastic and snarky was not appealing for quite a while... leaving me very little desire to post anything here.

... but I knew, one day, something would happen that would put me over the edge... something so ridiculous and terrible that I wouldn't be able to help myself from sharing the story with the world.

that story happened while I was in Florida on Friday.

I was out with my ladies, dancing and what have you, when I discover I'm parched and could really use a break from the noise/dancing/scummies. Luckily for me, we were at a locale in Ocala where a few bars are actually connected (and themed!) so you can walk among them without going outside. We were in the club/ho area, so I decided to go to the rodeo side for some softer music and h2o. I should preface this by saying that I was wearing a wristband for free entry, and unless I forked over $10 at the door for the ladies-drink-free-all-night deal, I would have to pay as I go. I elected to do the latter. I approached the bartender and it went something like this:

Me: Three waters, please.

Mean Bartender Lady: That will be $7.50.

Me: *Confused face*
No, three WATERS.

MBL: Bottled water is $2.50.

Me: No, not bottled water. Just water. From your squirt gun. Into that cup right there.

MBL: I can't give you water. You don't have the ladies night wristband.

Me: I just want water.

MBL: I can't help you. There's a machine over there.

Peeved and confused, I told my friend Beth (who did have the glorified blue "ladies night" wristband) about the situation and asked that she attempt to get water.

Beth: One water, please.

MBL: I can't help you at this end of the bar. Ladies night drinks get taken care of at that end of the bar.

Beth: .................................. ok.

Beth (at other end of bar which is literally only three feet to her right): One water, please.

Mean Bartender Man: Bottled water is not included in ladies night.

(yes, you read that right. $7 and $10 alcohol is included. bottled water? even the free kind? no way.)

Beth: No, not bottled. I just want water.

MBM: It will be $1 extra. You don't have a cup.

Beth: I have to buy a cup for water?

MBM: You're supposed to keep your cup.

Beth and I are angry. But at this point I'm also so thirsty that I'm afraid I might pass out right there from heat stroke. In retrospect, perhaps I should have let that happen and then I could have sued this place for THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS YOU MEAN BARTENDERS. So I traveled over to the vending machine that MBL pointed me to and I paid $2.50 for a bottle of water, and not one of those full-size ones either... the really ratty small ones with the weak, crunchy plastic.

But this story is far from over.

I get back to my corner seat on a barstool with my friends and suck down half the bottle in one gulp. I set it down to regain my breath. I tell a joke. I laugh at my own joke. I look back at the table.

Me (to Beth, or whoever will hear my cry): Um, my water.... is gone.

Beth: What?

Me: I think someone stole my water.

Beth: Are you serious?

Me: My water............ is not here.

Beth: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

At this point I really want to curl up in to a fetal position, suck my thumb, and just cry it out. I really do. Instead flames come out of my ears (Beth's too), my eyes go black and I turn into Janazilla.

ME: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. OH, SURPRISE SURPRISE. Water is such a hot commodity in this POS place that people are STEALING IT LIKE PRECIOUS PAINTINGS.

Beth: This should be illegal! Is this illegal? It should be illegal!!!

Rachel (another friend in company who is now aware of situation): This is the land of Disney and Mickey Mouse! Disney lets people bring water, why don't your??!?!?!

Me: I'm outraged. I'm really quite mad.

Beth: I am too.

Me: *lip quivers*
I'd like to go home now.

fin.

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