Hobbit Trailer Premiere: Pass

The day has come.  Or, at least, the trailer day has come.  And there are many more surprises in store on this Hobbit adventure.

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm actually pretty stoked to finally hear the dwarf song from the opening of the book.  Bring it on, Peter Jackson.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY!

Gotta have muh bowl, gotta have muh cereal, yo.

Yesterday was Thursday.  Today it is Friday. 

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Links! I have them!

It's been a while since I've spammed links of mild to incredible interest, but I realized I was retweeting a majority of the links in my feed.

Harry Potter News:

Evidently, Professor Snape aka Alan Rickman aka the coolest cat in England is returning to Broadway now that HP is over. I would pay great sums of money to see this.  I would also pay great sums of money to hire him as my wake up call--coolest voice ever.

Meanwhile, HP's star, Daniel Radcliffe, is wasting no time signing up for new projects.  His newest flick, The Woman in Black, is due out in February I believe.  But apparently he could also play Allen Ginsberg in Kill Your Darlings.  This is.... not the happiest of screenplays... so I guess it's not a stretch from his ghost thriller and his nudie-equine-loving-lost-boy character on Broadway's Equus.  Good thing the Harry Potter fandom spans more than a few generations.

Vampire News:

Chris Meloni might be cast in True Blood's 5th season? Really? Evidently he would be a very powerful vampire... so perhaps an Order member?  He certainly has that vamp look, but I don't know how I feel about watching Law & Order: SVU's favorite detective becoming the sexual predator he once hunted.

Summit Entertainment won a legal battle over non-licensed Bella jackets.  So, add that $$ to the over $500million they've already made on Twilight's Breaking Dawn: Part 1.  I also heard rumors of a possible merge of Summit and Lions Gate.

Hot Guy News:

Zac Efron is playing the next Nicholas Sparks movie heartthrob, Logan of The Lucky One. Yeah, ok.  Fair enough.  At least I remembered what happened in this Nicholas Sparks book.  Usually when I can't remember I assume A) it takes place in North Carolina, B) the woman is lost and beautiful, C) the man is a blue collar type from her past, and D) you can flip a coin to decide if someone dies.

Daniel Craig apparently doesn't appreciate the Kardashians, as with the 99% of the rest of the U.S. (3 million viewers out of 300 million people = 1%)  I usually don't appreciate these sound bites because of their attention-getting nature, but I'm also glad he said it and not me.

Snow White News:

There are two Snow White movies coming out next year.  Or maybe it's three--but I think the third would be animation.  Regardless, the trailers are out for both live action films. There is Snow White and the Huntsman, a rougher, tougher adaptation with 8 dwarves instead of 7, featuring Charlize Theron (evil queen), Kristen Stewart (Snow White), and Chris Hemsworth (hunstman).  Then there is Mirror, Mirror, the whimsical comedy version featuring Julia Roberts (evil queen) and Lily Collins (Snow White).  Game on, Snow.

... speaking of Snow White, I suppose the entertainment biz is really pushing fairy tale fantasy right now... i.e. ABC's Once Upon a Time and NBC's Grimm. Either there is zero good original content out there, or our country is in desperate need of a happy ending.

Scary Asian Movie News:

Oldboy.  I watched it once, and once was enough.  Spike Lee and Josh Brolin want me to watch it again, even if only to prove that they A) won't butcher the third act, and B) WILL butcher the third act, in a more literal sense.

Akira is still bumping around the movie universe.  Once upon a time, I heard that Zac Efron was a possible lead.  This did not go over well.  Then I heard Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gorden-Levitt were attached.  This might be ok.  Then I heard Garrett Hedlund (Tron Legacy) was set to play the main character, Kaneda.  I also heard Gary Oldman might play the lieutenant.  The lesson here is that no one knows anything.

The HOBBIT News:

If you have not been following the updates on the Hobbit Facebook page, I suggest you do so.  Peter Jackson has been releasing "The Making Of" videos while he's making the film, so you get to see behind-the-scenes stuff before even a trailer is available.  It's pretty bomb diggity.  Dwarves! Hobbits! Elves! Dragons! YESSS!

That's all for now.

Also, it snowed today.  Hurray, holidays!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

A story in which I die first in a horror movie: Fail

So yesterday it rained pretty hard.  People were like, whoa, look at this rain.

 

There were a few moments driving when I had to double check that my car headlights were on, because they just didn't seem to be illuminating anything.

 

This leads me to my acquaintance with something scary last night.  Given that it's almost Thanksgiving, I have family coming into town.  My brother flew in last night, and I drove to my mom's house to cook dinner for everyone.  The house was empty when I arrived, and it was still pouring rain so I decided to park in the garage.  I proceeded to unload the groceries from my car with the garage door still up when I felt that cold, dark shudder you feel when something peculiar catches your eye.  I spun around.

 

AHHH!.... what was that...

 

Since I was in a lit garage and outside it was dark and stormy, I obviously could see nothing.  But I could hear something.  I have no idea what, but I knew I could hear it.  Then suddenly...

 

Dark flash of movement!

 

GAHHHHH!!! WHAT ARE YOU???

 

My thought didn't immediately go to serial killer, because in that part of town we've had trouble with coyotes and such in the woods by our home.  But I'd be lying if I said serial killers didn't cross my mind.

 

:::more noise more noise:::

 

This is the moment in scary movies where the hot chick who opens the film goes to investigate the noise in her basement or attic or wherever, and is shortly thereafter maimed, spiked, slaughtered, etc.

 

I have mocked this moment 1,000 times.

 

So what did I do?  I began to investigate the noise.

 

It was right around the time that I was peaking outside at the edge of the garage, still hearing the rustle rustle sound, when I realized I had become the brainless bimbo... and that, if in fact something scary was about to attack me, I would surely die.  And it would be my fault.

 

So I skedaddled inside, pressed the garage door button from the safety of the house, waited five minutes, and went back to unload the groceries with a golf club in hand.

 

So it just goes to show... maybe those scary movie chicks aren't so stupid after all.  Maybe our initial reaction to the unknown is curiosity--we must investigate!  I must hit the car in front of me while I strain to see the accident on the side of the road!  I must make myself vomit because I must see the thing, even though I know seeing the thing will make me vomit.

 

To my credit though, it only took me about 60 seconds to realize I was in that situation and to duck and run like a coward...

 

... but a coward who survived.

 

Also, it was probably a squirrel.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Awards! With shiny stickers made to resemble crests of honor! Pass!

I won a journalism award! Hurray!

 

Winning awards feels good. That's obvious.

 

Winning an award for writing something that resulted in mass amounts of hate mail feels even better.

 

The award was a second-place finish in enterprise reporting in the Michigan Press Association's Better Newspapers Contest. The three-part series was about teen pregnancy in Washtenaw County. I wrote it with two colleagues who, like myself, have since then left the newspaper business. Interesting, huh?

 

This has been exciting for me for three reasons. The first reason was the surprise factor. It was unexpected because I left journalism and am no longer "in the game." So the furthest thing from my mind was my past work and this contest.

 

The second reason? We moved into Class A. I have won MPA awards before, but at that point we were competing in Class C or D. This past year, however, reorganizations and restructuring that went on in our company meant that we had to compete in Class A this year. Winning something in Class A means you competed with the big circulation newspapers, all of which have higher staffing levels and, arguably, way more experience. So that's flattering.

 

The third reason for excitement came from wanting to rub a few faces in it. People really harassed me when this series ran, which was hard because this was the last thing I wrote at the newspaper before leaving for my new (current) job. I literally finished typing up the third installment, hit send, and started packing my personal belongings into a sad little box. The 2-3 weeks leading up to that moment had been riddled with hate mail, threatening voicemails, and even drop-ins who wanted to leave me with some "literature" to educate me.

 

It was controversial because the first installment discussed the merits of Planned Parenthood in terms of teen pregnancy prevention and support during a time when Congressional Republicans were pushing to revoke PP's federal funding.

 

Remember this soundbite?

 

 

Senator Jon Kyl's famous Not Intended To Be A Factual Statement rippled through pop culture, showing up in amusing Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert segments. It trended as #NITBAFS on Twitter. It was hilarious and fun.

 

But it wasn't fun when people accused me of killing unborn babies. It wasn't fun when people said I was most certainly going to hell, and that my ethics and writing were the worst they'd seen. 

 

You know what is fun though? Winning awards.

 

 

"I win! Yeah! In your face! In your face! IN YOUR FACE!"

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

@AnnArborcom, the enforcer of Fight Club

Within the digital pages of our town's online "newspaper," called AnnArbor.com, comment threads are policed by "comment moderators," aka AnnArbor.com staff. If a comment is deemed off topic, antagonistic towards others, inappropriate, etc., it is removed. In the comment's former place, you see a post from the moderators saying, "A comment that violated AnnArbor.com's conversation guidelines was removed."

 

Yesterday my comment was removed because, you guessed it, I broke the first rule of Fight Club.

 

As you may (and should!) know, the first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

 

I thought I had a real zinger of a comment for a news story yesterday. The story was about finding places to park downtown for less money. The writer explained how to find cheaper parking by pointing out which meters are available at half price. My knee jerk reaction to such a story was similar to the final shot of Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith.

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

Why would they DO THAT?! Why would they tell everyone where all the juicy parking meters are??!!?

 

The first rule of Parking in Downtown Ann Arbor is: you DO NOT tell people the good places to park in downtown Ann Arbor.

 

So, naturally, I decided to make my sentiment known by posting the first rule of Fight Club as my comment on the story.

 

My comment did not make it to the page, which got me to thinking...

 

Do the staff of AnnArbor.com have a secret Fight Club ring? Is sparring with one another their go-to activity on slow news days? Either the moderators DID get my joke, and removed my comment as a return zinger because I had, in fact, also just broken the first rule of Fight Club... OR, the moderators didn't get my joke and thought I was being off topic or argumentative with someone. I hope it wasn't the latter, because it was a VERY on topic comment: stop writing stories that will take my best parking spaces away.

 

Hats off to you, AnnArbor.com, if you actually meant to school me and/or if you operate a secret ring of fighting bandits.

 

If it's neither of those things, then...

 

 

 

 

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Welcome to my soup, bacteria: Culinary Fail

Have you ever made yourself an ice cream sundae, and then dropped it on the ground before you could eat it? "BOLLOCKS!" Have you ever popped some cookies back in the oven for "a few minutes" to finish up, and then forgot they were in there so as to ruin the entire batch? "SON OF A NUTCRACKER!"

 

Those two things both suck.

 

Know what is worse than that? Spending two hours making a huge pot of soup, enjoying a few bites of it, and then leaving it at room temperature for so long you have to throw it all away.

 

This is the tale of my weekend. I got all excited about fall... so I cleaned, did laundry, went for a run, etc. And then I thought, 'I know! I'll bake pies! Make soup! Braise meats! I'll be Martha Effing Stewart.'

 

Martha Stewart probably doesn't forget to put her masterpiece in the fridge.

 

I went to work on a "quick" minestrone recipe that afternoon, which took me two hours to make because of my poor knife skills and the necessity to have uniform dices. It was delicious. Chris and I had two small pre-dinner samples before jetting off to see Moneyball at the theater.

 

We got home and there was the Dutch oven... still resting sadly on the stove. "CHEESE AND RICE!"

 

I was so mad that I literally ran (on my legs, not metaphorically in a vehicle) to the grocery store, stocked up on the same ingredients I purchased earlier that day, and made the soup all over again... at 9PM. I was going to feast on leftover soup this week if it killed me...

 

I did manage to cut the prep time in half, so it only took me one hour this time to recreate my soup. That means either my knife skills improved, or I had more close calls with my digits than I'd care to admit.

 

Some people have tried to make me feel worse by offering comments like, "Well it might not have ACTUALLY been bad. Soup is hardy; it was probably still safe to eat."

 

But you know what sucks even worse than recooking a huge batch of soup? Spending all night puking it back up.

 

Put your leftovers away, people.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Snape... Snape... Severus Snape.... DUMBLEDORE: HP Puppet Pass

 

This is an old video that most HP fans have seen at this point... but it's been stuck in my head the last few days. And every time I hear "DUMBLEDORE," I giggle uncontrollably--not a good thing to do when you sit in a lobby with lots of strangers passing by.

 

---jana is not laughing at you. (or is she?)

 

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Yes, lady, I broke the pasta sauce bottle: Dexterity Fail

Sometimes I break things. I try not to, but sometimes it can't be helped. My wee midget hands are not equipped with the necessary phalanges to transport Object A to Location B without dropping it onto Floor C.

 

Case in point: I splattered a glass jar of EXPENSIVE pasta sauce all over the floor yesterday while unloading my groceries in the Busch's checkout aisle. I must have been trying to move too quickly.... the little moving tarp thing was moving on without me and I must.... fill... the space.... So I fumbled and dropped the bottle. It smelled nice, but there was glass and a large mess.

 

It really wasn't a big deal. The cashier was cool about it and was nice enough to not charge me, even though I offered to pay.

 

Alas, the woman behind me was less than accommodating. She kept scooting closer, then backing away, then rolling her cart closer, then backing away again. It's like she needed a running start to approach the checkout. She was visibly battling with herself... do I stay in this aisle?... do I switch aisles?... do I stay for a little while and THEN switch aisle?? And between each try, she would glare at me. There was *plenty* of room for her to unload after me, by the way... somehow I managed to break it off to the side by the magazine rack rather than in the middle of the aisle's walkway. But eventually she just reversed it out of my aisle and tried someone else. Then the little grocery helper came with his box of baking soda and his cleaner kit and roped off the area.

 

The rope really made me feel bad... causing someone to rope off an area because of how HAZARDOUS and DISTRACTING it has become.

 

I'm sorry I broke the sauce! I'M SORRY!

 

Don't hate me. Hate Muir Glen Organics for making their bottles so girthy.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Dear Netflix (aka Qwikster?), Stupid is as stupid does... Rebrand Fail

By now my fellow Netflix members are aware of the added kink to the "Netflix" system since the 60% price hike announcement a few months ago. Netflix CEO Reed Hastings wrote a blog post and emailed an abbreviated version to subscribers this morning about the recent changes. He said the company (and him personally) behaved arrogantly and without consideration for the paying customers. He said he owed us an explanation as to why there are now two packages... not that it would have any affect on the price increase, he said.

 

He seems to think it's the separation of services that bothered us, rather than the money. He also assures us that this is actually a more cost effective model, and it certainly is... for Netflix.

 

But in his attempt to rectify that mistake, Hastings and his team decided to separate the company even further. In other words, he made the non-issue of "separate packages" equally as troubling as the increase in price. He says this solution will lead customers to be less confused. This implies that Hastings is operating under the assumption that Netflix lost 600,000 subscribers and $2.5 billion in market value because customers were confused by the changes. This is not the case. We understood very well: you took a service that was affordable and convenient, split it into two service packages that are both less convenient than my original singular package, and then charged me more overall. But that was all fine and well for those of us still willing to pay, because it didn't actually impact our service. Our accounts still operated the same way, our DVD and instant queues worked together, and life went on. But this changes things entirely. This means Netflix is taking away part of the convenience AND charging me more for the privilege of still using both.

 

I think Linda Holmes summarizes the situation best over at the NPR Monkey See blog:

"Hastings seems to be operating under the premise that customers don't really understand what's going on; that they are angry because they think that a single business has increased its price when in fact it has merely split into two businesses that charge separately. Presumably, the idea is that making the split more definitive will make people slap their foreheads and say, "Oh, now I see. Netflix actually lowered its prices, as long as I don't buy Qwikster! And new Qwikster is cheaper than old Netflix! I'm coming out ahead, sort of, if I don't want all the services I used to get!"

The only problems with this approach are that its underlying assumptions are almost certainly wrong, and that it ignores major inefficiencies that will be introduced for customers who do, indeed, want to continue to use both streaming and DVDs. Now, if you want both, you have to go to two different sites with two different queues, you have to pay two different charges to two different entities, and in general, you have to have two different memberships. That's not psychologically better for consumers. That's buying two things which are both less helpful than the single thing you could get before.

It's like a shoe company deciding to sell right shoes and left shoes for 12 dollars each where pairs of shoes used to be 20 dollars and thinking that consumers will notice the lower 12-dollar price but not the fact that it buys only one shoe."

No, Hastings, I'm not confused. I'm pissed. This means you not only support sudden (and large) price increases, you also think I'm stupid enough to believe you when you tell me it's not actually a price increase. 

Now it is no longer easy to track which DVD titles are currently available on streaming, a feature I *loved* because my DVD queue is soooo long. Sometimes titles would pop up that were available instantly. I would see that on my DVD queue, watch it instantly, and remove it from the DVD delivery list. Now I will have to manage two separate lists and check both sites before I have a DVD mailed to me.

On top of that, if we have to have two separate lists, how will the company's separate websites handle movie recommendations? Do my ratings for instant movies only help create recommendations for other instant options? Will my previous ratings of streaming and DVD titles be separated into two distinct profiles for recommendations?

It's ridiculous. I get that Netflix needs to market and plan differently for streaming versus DVDs, but they could have done that and kept the Netflix name for all their services. I was on board with the price increase, because I was willing to pay more to keep the same service (which I loved). I am not willing to pay more so I can play the shell game with DVDs. The only explanation I can come up with for this type of behavior is that Netflix actually wants everyone to drop their DVD memberships and solely support streaming.... and then down the road when enough people have eliminated the mail-order package, Netflix will drop DVDs entirely and jack up the streaming prices. I'm sure they see their DVD capital as a drag on their company's potential long-term growth... and since the red envelope is what the Netflix brand is famous for, they think renaming that part 'Qwikster' and rebranding 'Netflix' as streaming will help them down the road. The only problem with that logic, however, is that their movie choices on streaming suck. So, if anything, I'll keep the DVD package and stop subscribing to the streaming. There are WAY more choices out there when it comes to streaming, but far fewer options when it comes to cheap and easy DVDs.

RedBox and HuluPlus just got their biggest breaks ever.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Christmas Carols Anger Diaper Bomber: EPIC PASS

Get this...

 

So remember the diaper/underwear bomber incident on Christmas in 2009? Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria boarded a plane (Northwest Flight 253) in Amsterdam headed for Detroit, Michigan. He is accused of attempting to detonate an explosive device that he had hidden in his underwear, which didn't work and ended up burning his body in several places. After the plane landed and he was taken into custody, he was treated at the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI.

 

Writers for AnnArbor.com are reporting that Abdulmutallab objected to the Christmas music that was playing in the hospital while he was being treated. The article claims Abdulmutallab was being treated for his burn injuries when he asked the staff to turn off the Christmas music. The nurses were disinclined to acquiesce his request....

 

I'd have turned the volume up.

 

Score:

Jesus/Santa/Frosty/Rudolf: 1

 

Abdulmutallab/Terrorists: 0

 

 

Happy (early) holidays, everyone!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Eye Doctor's Assistant: Fail

Eye puff machines scare me. They are designed to make little children cry and run to their mommy....

... and well into adulthood, I am still terrified of having to deal with them. But you know what is worse than the eye puff machine? Employees who can't properly administer the eye puff test, resulting in having to UNSUCCESSFULLY PUFF YOU SEVEN TIMES!

I'll give you a moment to let that number sink in...

.... seven ....

.... times ....

.... in the ....

.... eye ....

Ok, look. In general, I'm a pretty relaxed individual. Sure, I might give someone a judgy look if they embarass themselves, but I'm extremely calm in most situations and I almost NEVER get road rage.

The eye doctor's assistant wanted to test my reaction level in stressful situations, clearly. And for once, her actions absolutely elicited a response from me. She is either an evil sadist, incompetent at her job, or stupid for pushing my buttons when I was there to treat my ALREADY IRRITATED EYE.

Readers, meet the eye puff machine: 

This evil contraction does not touch the eye, but approaches you slowly (ever so slowly) until it shoots a jet of pressurized air at you. All the while, you stare at this menacing little green light that flashes, flashes, flashes... until WHAMO! POW! You've just been PUFFED! You blink and tear and attempt to recover from the experience.

It normally takes 2-3 attempts total for me to get both eyes right. Once my body feels that first jet in the successful eye, it just doesn't seem to want to let me open the other one all the way. So I get all squinty. But, alas, here is my tale of the septuplet eye puffs:

Seemingly Nice But Mean Assistant (SNBMA): Ok, Miss, follow me and we'll get started...

Woman leads me into the assistant living quarters, where they administer the pain.

SNBMA: So, what seems to be the problem?

Me: I woke up on Friday morning with what appears to be pink eye, but doesn't behave like pink eye. My right eye is teary rather than gooey, and it was painful and extremely light sensitive. I may need stronger eye drops, or perhaps I have a corneal abrasion? (Yes, I used the term 'corneal abrasion' because I did my homework on WebMD beforehand like any other hypochondriac.)

SNBMA: Ok, why don't you pull up to the machine on your right.

Me: You mean the eye puff machine?

Woman chuckles and is clearly familiar with how little people enjoy this procedure.

SNBMA: Yes, please. It won't take long. (In movies, this would be the line that works as foreshadowing for the main character who is about to suffer.)

Me: Ok, no problem.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at the flashing green dot.

I stare at the light like a good patient, but already I can feel my palms sweating and my eyes drying as if to make it impossible to NOT blink five times per second.

SNBMA: Please, open your eye wider.

Me: Ok...

***PUFF!*** (#1)

SNBMA: We'll have to try that again. The machine caught your eyelashes.

I sigh to myself, because my eyelashes are extremely long... like the size of the fake ones, but twice as thick. So I'm pretty much screwed.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at that green blinking light....

Staring...

SNBMA: Open your eye wider....

*Squints*

SNBMA: Wider...

*Squints, then makes 'WOW' face to trick body into opening eye.*

***PUFF!*** (#2)

SNBMA: Nope, we'll have to do it again. Didn't take.

Me: Ugh... I hate this. Ok, let's do it.

SNBMA: Why don't you lean back and blink as much as you like for a few minutes and then tell me when you're ready.

Me: Ok, that sounds good.

I spend a few minutes blinking at epic speed and do one of my psych-me-up exercises I used to use before tennis matches. I can do it, I can DO IT!

Me: Ok, let's do this.

SNBMA: Great, here I come. Just keep watching the green light.... open just a little more...

***PUFF!*** (#3)

SNBMA: I'm sorry about this, but we'll have to do that again.

Me: OMG, really? I mean this is the eye that's irritated... the already dried out one. It's getting harder to keep from blinking.

SNBMA: I know, but just one more and then we'll be done with this eye.

Woman readjusts machine. I watch the ever-blinking green demonic light. The machine continues to get closer. The machine moves closer than normal. Suddenly machine is in between my long eyelashes. Machine is still approaching. Machine traces inside of eyelid.

Me: Um, dude, you're in my eye! Not cool.

Woman sighs, retracts, and starts over.

Me: You know what? It would help me if you just told me when you were going to puff me so I'm not waiting in fear. Then I'll know when to really open it wide.

SNBMA: Ok, I can do that, absolutely.

Me: Great.

SNBMA: Ok, focus on the green light. Here I come with the machine... I'm adjusting... I'm getting closer... I'm getting closer. Ok, now open your eye wide. Here it comes...

... and I'll be damned if my eye just does NOT want to open on command. Somehow, I manage to trick myself with another 'WOW' face.

***PUFF!*** (#4)

SNBMA: Great, we got it. Now, the other eye....

Great.

SNBMA: Ok, I'm adjusting the machine... here I come. Now I'm ready to puff. Open wide.

***PUFF!*** (#5)

SNBMA: Ok, we have to do it again, but don't worry, I'll talk you through it again. I'm really very sorry about this. Sometimes the machine just has trouble.

Me: Okay.

Right.

SNBMA: Here I come, ready? Wider.

***PUFF!*** (#6)

SNBMA: Nope, we have to do that again.

Lip quivers.... eye squints uncontrollably...

SNBMA: Here I come, closer, closer. Just focus on that green light. Open your eye wider.

Eye quivers.

SNBMA: Wider, please.

Eye does opposite of body's commands and nearly shuts.

SNBMA: WIDER.

Me: I'm trying. This is stressful.

SNBMA: Ok, just take a break again. Lean back and blink as much as you need to. You just tell me when you're ready.

Psych yourself up. Come on. We can do this, eyeball. It's just air. It won't hurt you. We can do it. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Me: Ok, I'm ready.

SNBMA: Great. Here we go. Machine is adjusting, still adjusting. Ok, all set. Ready for the puff? Open wider. Wider. WIDER.

Me: AHHHH! OK! OOOPPPPEEEENNNN!

Eye thinks it opens. Eye felt like it opened, at least.

***PUFF!*** (#7)

SNBMA: Sigh, alright.

I get the feeling eye did not open. But woman says nothing. No excited celebratory 'we did it.' No, 'ok, we're all done.' She just rolls back in her stool, sits there for a few minutes, and stands.

SNBMA: Follow me. I'll take you to the exam room.

Me: Oh. Ok.

Fin.

And thus, my experience with the eye puff machine reached a new low. I should make a note that I adore my optometrist. She is lovely and warm and has known me for years. And she's GREAT at her job. So this is not a critique of her, or of her practice. But I am not a fan of that machine, nor am I a fan of the young woman who was operating it that day, as she was visibly frustrated with my physical inabilities. Although I am thankful that she avoided blaming me for the debacle. Blaming the machine is always safe.

... even though it's her fault.

Eye patients, beware.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Farewell, Harry Potter: Pass with tears

Ok, so, obviously I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 at the midnight premiere. I also obviously loved it, like the rest of the wide majority. I went with some friends who agreed to make T-shirts with me... really classy black ones with iron-on decals for Platform 9&3/4.

I WOULD like to discuss the movie's Pass and Fail moments, because I think there are many equally fantastic and corny bits worth mentioning. However, this post is not about the highs and lows of the movie--I'll save that for my next post. For now, I wanted to share a column I was asked to write for Patch.com about the series as a whole and its impact on me. It's sort of the best way I know how to say goodbye to the series and the last 10 years, more or less.So without further adieu...

Ann Arbor (July 14, 2011)--At midnight tonight, scores of would-be witches and wizards will flock to the theater near them and partake in the climax of a phenomenon. They will all say goodbye to Harry Potter.

I am just one out of thousands of fans with tickets to a midnight release of the final film installment, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. But like those who will keep me company, I feel a deep individual connection to this series, so much so that I will probably shed several tears as the final credits roll.

I am a typical Potter maniac. I watched the movies at their midnight premieres and sometimes dressed up like a favorite character (Harry, Hermione and Prof. Trelawney). I frequent websites like the Leaky Cauldron and MuggleNet. I reserved the books before their release and read them cover to cover over weekends. I visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando,FL. squealing with glee at the shops and their treasures.

This is how the fan community of Harry Potter behaves. We know what it’s like to read a 1,000-page book in two days. We organize real Quidditch teams, even if we can’t fly. We cry when characters die and when they succeed.

I understand that those who aren’t a part of the mania must think we’re all nuts. Trust me, I feel the same way about Trekkies. Those who aren’t fans, however, have to admit it’s pretty cool that mere fantasy books can have this kind of effect on the world of reading.

Since there is no way I can possibly speak for all the fans who span the globe, all I can do with this farewell column is explain what the series means to me. The best way to properly do that is to return to the beginning.

When the Harry Potter books first came into my life, I was 12, just a year older than Harry was when he first entered Hogwarts. Like many in middle school, the reading I once enjoyed in elementary school had primarily been replaced with things like friends, sports and outdoor adventures.

Then I enrolled in a reading course that changed my life. Our only task every morning was to read for the full hour. After seeing a fellow student paw through "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone," I decided to give fantasy books another whirl.

What followed in those few weeks I spent with book one was magical, in every sense of the word. I realized that I not only missed reading, but that books could bring you into their world. J.K. Rowling made me feel like one of her Hogwarts students—hopefully a Ravenclaw—and I haven’t stopped voraciously reading since.

Therein lies the strength of the entire phenomenon: once you are a part of Harry’s world, there is no leaving it. Harry Potter is in all of us and his magical world is just like our own.

In fact, there isn’t a single social issue or personal dilemma from today’s world that the Harry Potter series ignores. Throughout the pages of these seven books, Harry Potter’s world is fraught with discrimination, classism, dirty politics, dictators, torture, loss and death. His world, like our own, attempts to fight these issues with love, friendship, courage and help from Dumbledore’s Army—also known as the Harry Potter Alliance in our world.

J.K. Rowling’s novels might be classified as fantasy, but their core isn’t about magic. Her books are about looking within for the strength to make the world better.

This premiere is emotional for Potter fans because Harry Potter has always been about more than the books, movies and merchandise. It’s about the experience. It’s about the camaraderie we share with one another each time we enter this magical world.

Once it’s all over, we will be able to relish in our memories and relive our experiences through the books and movies. We will not, however, be able to return to the premieres and the book parties that made friends out of nerdy strangers.

But, alas, we must move on. As Albus Dumbledore would say, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

No matter which direction our lives take us from here, our experiences over the last decade will bond fans forever. Those in my age group who grew up with Harry will likely return to him with nostalgia when we read his story to our own children.

So to those many Harry Potter fans out there: enjoy the final premiere night and enjoy the company of those who will share this moment with you. You have helped to change the world by forcing reading into the limelight.

And to J.K. Rowling: thank you for the experience. You are a part of my childhood, and you made it very special.

So, anyone have another series I can read to occupy my time now that Harry Potter is done? I suppose the Hunger Games movies are being filmed, which might be something worth looking forward to... and The Hobbit. But I've sort of run out of fantasy series reading material.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

The cooking continues...

Greetings, friends. I had some major life changes in the last few months, causing me to somewhat abandon my various online blogging ventures, including Sporks & Spoons. But obviously my eating didn't stop, so it's easy enough to simply begin where we left off: cooking healthy lunches for myself in order to consume healthier meals and save some $money$.

The photo you see is my latest produce box from The Fruit Guys. I ordered a small regional produce box this time, so my fruits and veggies came from farms in Michigan, Illinois and Ohio. This week they sent me fennel, Bibb lettuce, kale, basil, blueberries, summer squash and cherries. Yesterday's lunch used up the last of the kale and fennel by using a recipe that came with the box. It was an apple, fennel and kale salad of sorts... which calls for essentially cooking those three things with some spice and onions/shallots/green onions. It was delicious, and I'm happy to share the recipe if you're looking for a sweet and spicy way to use up either fennel or kale.

I should add (considering my last post in January), that I ended up not participating in a CSA. I simply couldn't afford the downpayment given that I didn't know how much produce I would need or want. I started using the Fruit Guys instead because I can order what I know I need when I want to. But I may revisit CSAs again next year after I've nailed down the quantity I need.

Lunch today included a smoothie of sorts that I made from the blueberries and cherries. I coupled it with some wild rice, because there were leftovers and I can never resist wild rice.

I'll be traveling a bit over the next few weeks, but I'll be near some farms and cool gardens where I hope to find inspiration for some fabulous lunches. I'm going to give cooking a shot on the road because I think traveling (like work) is another activity that often sucks us into purchasing easy, fast midday meals. This shall not stand!

We'll see what I come up with...

Until next time, Cheers!

Script Frenzy: Wishing myself luck

Oh dear. It's that time again. Last year I did both the National Novel Writing Month ('09) and Script Frenzy ('10) for the first time. This year I attempted for a second time (and failed) NaNoWriMo 2010, and I intend to make a pass at Script Frenzy 2011 as well.

This seems like a good opportunity to mention that I (sort of) have more free time on my hands for writing nowadays, which bodes well for my successful completion of 100 pages of a script of some sort--good or bad. I made a sudden career change a little less than a month ago and am no longer officially a full-time editor and newspaper reporter. My current employment includes some copy editing, but it is mostly an office kind of job with phones and files and coffee and meetings. It is a big work change, not to mention a major schedule change that has me working 8am-5pm instead of noon-8pm or 10am-2am on deadline days.

I say that I sort of have more free time for writing because, in fact, I have been dealing with sudden stressful responsibilities due to a sick cat. We've been back and forth from the vet several times between work, and have been coming home to force feed her every 3-4 hours. So that's been a nightmare. We are hoping desperately that having a feeding tube placed in her stomach will make both her life and ours less stressed overall... not to mention hoping that she will come around. =(

So, really, who knows how this will go... I could have a major meltdown about my cat, or she could suddenly get better and then I have all this extra creative thinking time to knock out 100 pages of dialogue.

Here's hoping for a healthy kitty and a healthy appetite for words...

Cheers, and good luck to any other Script Frenzy addicts/masochists out there.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Breville 800ESXL espresso machine: Fail

Meet my Breville espresso machine. Hello, machine.

This machine does not work--possibly through a combination of things its owners have done and things its manufacturers have done.

So who is more to blame? Hard to say, really... but if it came down to a legal battle, it would probably be the human's fault.

It's always the human's fault.

Regardless, this is my dilemma. I'm putting it out there because the machine looks nice enough on the outside, and I want to believe that what it has on the inside counts just as much as its appearance. I want to give it that chance. So if any of you are espresso fiends or machine techy, let me know if you know what I should do.

This particular espresso machine was purchased several (many) years ago for my papa. It worked great. Since I no longer lived with my parents when it was purchased, I assumed that it continued to work great, but I really have no idea how well it continued to work/how often it was used/if it was regularly cleaned (it wasn't)/etc.

After reading the brief (novel) book of instructions, I noticed instructions for decalcifying--something I have an inkling has not been performed on this machine. When I try to run it now, it makes that sweeea-reeeeeee-kkkkkkkkk noise that espresso machines make. Then it does that chug, chug, chug sound it used to make when the pump was pushing water through the filter/beans. And yet..... nothing is coming out. No water droplets. The beans aren't even wet.

So what do you do to an espresso machine that doesn't have water coming through the brew head?

My first reaction was that I should decalcify. It must be clogged, I thought. But then I remembered that I can't decalcify if no water is going through.

I have seen reports on message boards from some people saying their pump stopped working after a year. If this is what happened to me, is it fixable? If so, how and for how much?

Help meeeeee...

Yours Truly,
Decaffeinated in Michigan

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

(not so) Pure Michigan Winter Virgins: Pass

via notsopuremichigan.com

To go along with today's theme of SNOW, which amounted to approximately 6 inches in our area instead of the expected 10-17... a nostalgic look back at that wintery feeling in Michigan. Oh, to be a virgin amid a bed of snow, deflowering all living things left living in this frigid state...

As for the shmucks in Chicago who got hit by the 17 inches we were expecting, with their blizzard warnings, whiteouts, 60-mph winds, and chaos... stay inside, stay warm, and pull out that old Risk board. You're in for the long haul.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Just another beautiful snow day from (not so) Pure Michigan

via notsopuremichigan.com

Go forth, wintery virgins... today is your wedding night.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Winter Storm Hype: Undetermined, but probably a fail

The above photo was taken at the casa de madre. It is a photo of one of the first snows one winter, with all that fluffy white stuff covering up the golf course she lives on.

This is not a particularly large amount of snow, for Michigan standards. A few inches at best, and we're used to that. In fact, I'm pretty sure we've already had over 27 inches or so this winter alone.

Because, you know, it's Michigan.

Whelp, tomorrow evening and into Wednesday afternoon, weather reports are spouting off obscene numbers. At first, it was 10 inches.

Oh my, everyone said, 10 inches, wow.

Then it became 12 inches.

Goodness, everyone said, that's an awful lot of snow. I'd hate to have to do all the shoveling in the driveway.

Then, in the latest report, it was stated that the metro Detroit/Ann Arbor area could get as much as 17 inches of snow.

OHHHHH MYYYY GOOODDDDD, everyone said, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

I recently started following Pure Michigan on Twitter, because, well, I live in Michigan... and I like the outdoors... and I liked Tim Allen's Pure Michigan campaign commercial even more. But all day they've been talking about the snowpocolypse... and news sources (mine included) are actually asking people if they've taken the time to fill up their gas tanks, charge their cell phones, and stock up on bread and mustard (you know, the staples)... and friends and family are worried about being buried alive in white, fluffy stuff.

Usually when we get winter storm advisories, I scoff. Because this is Michigan. It snows. Michigan does not discriminate against the months of fall and spring, either. It will snow occasionally during those months. I also scoff because it never, NEVER snows as much as the dear old weather man predicts.

In this particular case, I only have one reason to be worried for people. Usually when it snows a lot throughout the day it doesn't matter because salt trucks and snow plows are constantly making the rounds. Sure the back roads can get tough and you might have to drive 30 mph in a 50-mph zone, but it's totally manageable. The difference between that and this is that a lot of this snowfall is going to take place during the night... so it will have time to pile up. I'm sure plows will be out late at night and uber early in the morning, but keep in mind that our road commission cut back on snow plows this year. That means it takes longer for the plows to reach all major roads, plus fewer people working during the late shift, and they hardly ever touch the "non major" ones. That's a real problem, especially when there aren't any cars on the roads to sort of even things out.

So, if 17 inches of snow is what we actually end up getting between sundown on Tuesday and nooner on Wednesdays, then, yeah, it's A LOT...

Luckily for me, Wednesdays are my day off. So I'm not really at any danger of missing something terribly important. I will likely do what I do on every Wednesday, which is get up at 9 a.m., drink my coffee, eat a biscotti, stay in my pajamas, read a book, and have a Netflix marathon. That means the worst-case scenario for me is losing power, because it would mean A) no Netflix, and B) emergency bonfires in the kitchen to keep my cats from freezing to death.

Here's hoping I don't have to break out the kitchen matches.

Cheers.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

The CSA Hunt Begins!

So I've decided to do the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farm share thing. I've considered it before, but since it's something I've never tried I'm a little intimidated. For example, how do I know which CSA to choose? What if there is bad weather and I don't get the produce I'm expecting from my lump sum check? What types of produce would I care about receiving the most? What if I get all these vegetables that are unrecognizable and I don't know how to cook them?

Right now my biggest waffle is whether or not I want to choose a produce-only CSA, or another type. There's this place called Old Pine Farm that does humane meat farm shares, which will end up including beef, bison, pork, lamb, chicken and emu. Yes, bison and emu, which were both recently added to the healthy red meats list by the American Heart Association. I sort of feel like a meat CSA is the right way to go for Chris and I because we eat a lot of meat and it's the most expensive thing at grocery stores, so this could end up being a way to save the most money for super awesome meat.

But I also buy a lot of produce, and I like the idea of cooking with just seasonal vegetables straight from a local farm. The question is, which one? Organic or conventional agriculture? Meat and potatoes farm, or a farm that focuses on greens? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!

I recently heard about this lady in Ann Arbor who sort of knows everything about local farms and farmers markets, and she has this CSA booklet thingy for the Ann Arbor area to help match people with the right one. I'm going to give it a read and see if I feel enlightened. If that doesn't help, I'll probably fork over the $25 to meet with her and ask some questions. The last thing I want to do is continue to not get involved in CSA programs just because it's new and intimidating.

Stay tuned... and if you're interested in a CSA in the A2 area, you might want to take a look at her guide as well... http://thefarmersmarketer.com/farmers-marketers-csa-guide/.

The CSA Hunt Begins!

So I've decided to do the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farm share thing. I've considered it before, but since it's something I've never tried I'm a little intimidated. For example, how do I know which CSA to choose? What if there is bad weather and I don't get the produce I'm expecting from my lump sum check? What types of produce would I care about receiving the most? What if I get all these vegetables that are unrecognizable and I don't know how to cook them?

Right now my biggest waffle is whether or not I want to choose a produce-only CSA, or another type. There's this place called Old Pine Farm that does humane meat farm shares, which will end up including beef, bison, pork, lamb, chicken and emu. Yes, bison and emu, which were both recently added to the healthy red meats list by the American Heart Association. I sort of feel like a meat CSA is the right way to go for Chris and I because we eat a lot of meat and it's the most expensive thing at grocery stores, so this could end up being a way to save the most money for super awesome meat.

But I also buy a lot of produce, and I like the idea of cooking with just seasonal vegetables straight from a local farm. The question is, which one? Organic or conventional agriculture? Meat and potatoes farm, or a farm that focuses on greens? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!

I recently heard about this lady in Ann Arbor who sort of knows everything about local farms and farmers markets, and she has this CSA booklet thingy for the Ann Arbor area to help match people with the right one. I'm going to give it a read and see if I feel enlightened. If that doesn't help, I'll probably fork over the $25 to meet with her and ask some questions. The last thing I want to do is continue to not get involved in CSA programs just because it's new and intimidating.

Stay tuned... and if you're interested in a CSA in the A2 area, you might want to take a look at her guide as well... http://thefarmersmarketer.com/farmers-marketers-csa-guide/.

Website for this image

thundafunda.com

• Full-size image - Same sizex larger

Size:	1600 × 1200
Type:	364KB JPG

This image may be subject to copyright.

>1;x=30-c.height-n}c.style.paddingTop=n+"px";c.style.paddingBottom= x+"px";u(i+w,m+n+x,1);var y=document.getElementById("lg");if(y){var o=Math.round(d*10/i),E=document.getElementById("sz").style;if(o>11){y.style.display="inline";E.display="none";var H=o>=20?Math.round(o/10):o/10;document.getElementById("lgf").innerHTML=H}else{y.style.display="none";E.display="inline"}}}function u(a,b,c){var e=document.getElementById("il_ic").style;e.marginTop=0-c*(b+16)/2+"px";e.marginLeft=0-c*(a+16)/2+"px"}google.sdl||(google.sdl={});google.sdl.log=function(a,b){google.x({},function(){google.log(a,["&source=",location.pathname.substring(1),b].join(""))})};B(); })();

The CSA Hunt Begins!

So I've decided to do the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farm share thing. I've considered it before, but since it's something I've never tried I'm a little intimidated. For example, how do I know which CSA to choose? What if there is bad weather and I don't get the produce I'm expecting from my lump sum check? What types of produce would I care about receiving the most? What if I get all these vegetables that are unrecognizable and I don't know how to cook them?

Right now my biggest waffle is whether or not I want to choose a produce-only CSA, or another type. There's this place called Old Pine Farm that does humane meat farm shares, which will end up including beef, bison, pork, lamb, chicken and emu. Yes, bison and emu, which were both recently added to the healthy red meats list by the American Heart Association. I sort of feel like a meat CSA is the right way to go for Chris and I because we eat a lot of meat and it's the most expensive thing at grocery stores, so this could end up being a way to save the most money for super awesome meat.

But I also buy a lot of produce, and I like the idea of cooking with just seasonal vegetables straight from a local farm. The question is, which one? Organic or conventional agriculture? Meat and potatoes farm, or a farm that focuses on greens? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!

I recently heard about this lady in Ann Arbor who sort of knows everything about local farms and farmers markets, and she has this CSA booklet thingy for the Ann Arbor area to help match people with the right one. I'm going to give it a read and see if I feel enlightened. If that doesn't help, I'll probably fork over the $25 to meet with her and ask some questions. The last thing I want to do is continue to not get involved in CSA programs just because it's new and intimidating.

Stay tuned... and if you're interested in a CSA in the A2 area, you might want to take a look at her guide as well... http://thefarmersmarketer.com/farmers-marketers-csa-guide/.

Website for this image

thundafunda.com

• Full-size image - Same sizex larger

Size:	1600 × 1200
Type:	364KB JPG

This image may be subject to copyright.

>1;x=30-c.height-n}c.style.paddingTop=n+"px";c.style.paddingBottom= x+"px";u(i+w,m+n+x,1);var y=document.getElementById("lg");if(y){var o=Math.round(d*10/i),E=document.getElementById("sz").style;if(o>11){y.style.display="inline";E.display="none";var H=o>=20?Math.round(o/10):o/10;document.getElementById("lgf").innerHTML=H}else{y.style.display="none";E.display="inline"}}}function u(a,b,c){var e=document.getElementById("il_ic").style;e.marginTop=0-c*(b+16)/2+"px";e.marginLeft=0-c*(a+16)/2+"px"}google.sdl||(google.sdl={});google.sdl.log=function(a,b){google.x({},function(){google.log(a,["&source=",location.pathname.substring(1),b].join(""))})};B(); })();

Website for this image

insidesocal.com

• Full-size image - Same sizex larger

Size:	635 × 875
Type:	91KB JPG

This image may be subject to copyright.

>1;x=30-c.height-n}c.style.paddingTop=n+"px";c.style.paddingBottom= x+"px";u(i+w,m+n+x,1);var y=document.getElementById("lg");if(y){var o=Math.round(d*10/i),E=document.getElementById("sz").style;if(o>11){y.style.display="inline";E.display="none";var H=o>=20?Math.round(o/10):o/10;document.getElementById("lgf").innerHTML=H}else{y.style.display="none";E.display="inline"}}}function u(a,b,c){var e=document.getElementById("il_ic").style;e.marginTop=0-c*(b+16)/2+"px";e.marginLeft=0-c*(a+16)/2+"px"}google.sdl||(google.sdl={});google.sdl.log=function(a,b){google.x({},function(){google.log(a,["&source=",location.pathname.substring(1),b].join(""))})};B(); })();

Website for this image

etc.usf.edu

• Full-size image - Same sizex larger

Size:	700 × 546
Type:	44KB GIF

This image may be subject to copyright.

>1;x=30-c.height-n}c.style.paddingTop=n+"px";c.style.paddingBottom= x+"px";u(i+w,m+n+x,1);var y=document.getElementById("lg");if(y){var o=Math.round(d*10/i),E=document.getElementById("sz").style;if(o>11){y.style.display="inline";E.display="none";var H=o>=20?Math.round(o/10):o/10;document.getElementById("lgf").innerHTML=H}else{y.style.display="none";E.display="inline"}}}function u(a,b,c){var e=document.getElementById("il_ic").style;e.marginTop=0-c*(b+16)/2+"px";e.marginLeft=0-c*(a+16)/2+"px"}google.sdl||(google.sdl={});google.sdl.log=function(a,b){google.x({},function(){google.log(a,["&source=",location.pathname.substring(1),b].join(""))})};B(); })();

Monkey Business: Pass

Baby monkey. Baby monkey. Riding.. on a pig... baby monkey.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Golden Globe Fail: Social Network wins Motion Picture Drama

Final award being presented by Michael Douglas because the guy had cancer and is still going strong, very bravely and with a wonderful attitude and sense of humor. He makes a great joke after his standing ovation... "there's gotta be a better way to get a standing ovation." As always, his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones looks beautiful. 

Nominees for Best Motion Picture Drama are Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The King's Speech, The Social Network.

And the winner is... Social Network. Sigh.... well, this means I have to see it, because I never go into the Oscars without having seen the Best Picture nominees. UGH! I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised... maybe.... 

Jana (hardly) likes this.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Globes #6: Wrapping up

Alicia Keys presents the clip for Black Swan. Another great one. Creepy and beautiful. I hope Natalie Portman wins for acting this.

Halle Berry presenting nominees for actor in a motion picture comedy or musical. Johnny Depp is nominated twice, once for Alice in Wonderland and for The Tourist... so he'll either win by odds or lose twice. Others are Kevin Spacey, Paul Giamatti and Jake Gyllenhaal. Not the strongest of categories. Giamatti wins and gives a funny speech because he is a funny man, and he's not drinking any freaking Merlot!!! His film was Barney's Version, which I believe is on the film festival circuit right now.

Side note: Barney's Version is the movie that caused Rachelle LeFevre to lose her Twilight role as Victoria. She overbooked and wouldn't be finished with Barney's Version in time to do Eclipse rehearsals... aka Summit (which has money now) gave it to Ron Howard's redheaded daughter, Bryce Howard. I think, based on ratings and the quality of material, LeFevre is the one laughing now.

The Inception supporting dude is here to present the clip for Inception, which still awes and amuses me.

Jeff Bridges (last year's best actor in a film drama) presenting award for Actress in a Motion Picture Drama. Nominees are Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Natalie Portman, and Michelle Williams. Globe goes to Natalie Portman for Black Swan, which is awesome... because she played a real ballet dancer, lesbian and psychopath ALL IN ONE MOVIE. Her speech is excellent. Not only does she talk about getting knocked up by her choreographer, but she refers to her costar as Mila "sweet lilps" Kunis......

Tim Allen and Tom Hanks presenting for best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical, AKA the weakest category of the night... not for lack of choices. They just *really* don't like Jonah Hill (Cyrus, Get Him to the Greek), high school comedies (Easy A) or too much gaymance (I love you, phillip morris... Kids Are All Right took up the gay token bid) Nominees are Alice and Wonderland, Burlesque, The Kids Are All Right, Red, The Tourist. Kids Are All Right wins. The highlight of that award was the awesomeness of having both Tim Allen and Tom Hanks on stage, reminding everyone that Gervais is blowing this big time.

Sandra Bullock presenting award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama. Nominees are Jesse Eisenberg, Colin Firth, James Franco, Mark Wahlberg and Ryan Gosling. Colin Firth wins for The King's Speech. I guess I'm a little surprised because I was considering the momentum of Social Network. I'm delightfully surprised, especially considering he had to speak in a stutter throughout the film. You try it. His speech was cute. Again, I'm biased. He'll always be my Darcy.

Break! One more to go!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Globes #5

Matt Damon presenting the honor being given to Robert DeNiro. Standing ovation obviously because the man has been in like 70 movies... a lot of them as Italian gangsters. 

You know, I was going to shrug this portion off and not really talk about it, but DeNiro is really throwing some zingers out there about foreigners, Hollywood promoters, Megan Fox, and all the terrible movies which WEREN'T included in the career reel. He gives a great little speech about "his children" (aka his films), which is worth YouTube'ing at a later date.

Megan Fox is presenting a clip for The Tourist. She looks gorgeous as always, as does Angelina Jolie.

Annette Benning takes the stage again to present Best Director. Again with the award order. Why is this award being given away before television and comedies are taken care of? What IS THIS?! Nominees are Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), David Fincher (The Social Network), Tom Hooper (the King's Speech), Christopher Nolan (Inception), and David O. Russell (The Fighter). Winner is David Fincher for Social Network. Ok, look, I can cough up the screenwriting win for the Social Network to the fact that they DID manage to turn a story about a network into an intriguing film. But director too? I don't like how this is going... because it's getting dangerously close to winning the whole caboodle. I really thought either Darren Aronofsky or Christopher Nolan had it in the bag. Social Network is trying really, really hard to change my mind.

Jimmy Fallon and January Jones presenting Best Television Series Comedy or Musical. Nominees are 30 Rock, the Big Bang Theory, the Big C, Glee, Modern Family, Nurse Jackie. Winner is... Glee, for the second straight year. Lea Michele will probably cry, as she tends to do. I hope they at least mix it up on the acceptance speech. We've beat the bullying topic to death, no pun intended. WOW and they are really trying to fit EVERYONE on the stage... THIS is exactly why categories like this (aka best film or tv series) should be saved for last. So the winners can give the long drawn-out speech they're hoping for and still take the time to fit 35 people on stage, including the bit characters like the jewish gossip blogger from Glee. 

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Globes #4!

Zac Efron has a weird new haircut. Presenting the clip for The Kids Are All Right. 

Gervais introduces Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Gervais gets his jab in at Steve Carrell for taking over The Office in the US, putting his UK version out, and then turning into Gervais's cash cow. Hilarious presentation speech for the nominees of Best Screenplay where Carrell pretty much plays his character from the Office. Nominees are Kings Speech, Social Network, Inception, 127 Hours, The Kids Are All Right. Social Network wins, and Christopher Nolan (who spent over a decade on Inception) is ROBBED. 

Chris Hamsworth and Chris Evans (both hotties) are presenting nominees for Supporting Actress in Series, Mini Series or TV Movie. Nominees are Jane Lynch, Kelly McDonald, Julia Stiles, Sophia Vergara and Hope Davis. Jane Lynch wins for role as Sue Sylvester in Glee. She gives the PERFECT acceptance speech. Short, funny, appreciative.

Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson are presenting Best Foreign Language Film. Her dress is CRAZY! I didn't think this was possible, but she actually outshines him because her dress could LITERALLY swallow him whole. Also they don't say much... one short sentence each and that's it? That's all? Bad casting on the presenters. What a waste of the RPattz. Did I spell that right? Nominees are Biutiful (mexico), The Concert (France), The Edge (Russia), I Am Love (Italy), In a Better World (Denmark). The winner goes to Denmark and the director who is "very, very happy." She can't help but tell us how very, very happy she is...

Helen Mirren is up on stage and looks gorgeous, as always. She's 100 years old and looks sexier than I do. She presents a clip from The King's Speech, which I saw recently and thought it was FANTASTIC. It might just win. It took home the Critics Choice Award.

Up next is another pretty big one: Actress in a Comedy Television series. Nominees are stacked with Toni Collette, Edie Falco, Tina Fey, Laura Linney, and Lea Michele. I said earlier I hope Laura Linney wins for The Big C... and the winner is... LAURA LINNEY. Wait, oh she's not there. Vannessa Williams and Blair Underwood accept her award on her behalf. Well that was about as anticlimactic as it gets.

Jane Fonda? In shoulder pads? On a dress? She is presenting a clip for Burlesque.

Best actor in a tv series, comedy or musical is up. Nominees are Alec Baldwin, Matthew Morrison, Jim Carsons, Jim Parsons, Thomas Jane. Jim Carsons from The Big Bang Theory wins. why, Why, WHY won't you HONOR ALEC BALDWIN. He rose from the pits of nothingness!! Oh well.. snub away... but just know, Hollywood Foreign Press, that his contract is up for 30Rock. If he doesn't resign I'm blaming you.

Jeremy Irons presenting. His hair looks long. His voice is freaking AWESOME. holy crap I'd forgotten, and I now must sift through my movie collection and rematch everything he is in. He is presenting for Supporting Actress in a Film Drama. Nominees are Mila Kunis, Melissa Leo, Amy Adams, Helena Bonham Carter, and Jacki Weaver. Melissa Leo wins for The Fighter. Very well deserved. 

Break!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Globes #3!

Friggin Justin Bieber with his stupid Bieber hair is presenting with the awesome chick from True Grit. They're presenters for best animated film. If Toy Story 3 doesn't win I might stop watching... maybe. Nominees are Despicable Me, How to Train Your Dragon, The Illusionist, Tangled and Toy Story 3. Come on, Toy Story... come onnnnnnnnnnnnn.... YESSSSSSS! And Toy Story 3 takes the win. You can't touch this!!! You can't touch the Disney Pixar machine.

Side note: I just got a glimpse of some tables... and someone thought it was a good idea to sit Robert Pattinson at Helen Mirren's table. I'm sure they'll have LOADS to talk about.

Gervais has removed an article of clothing. He's moved on to wine and is now insulting previous alcoholic Robert Downey Jr. Downey is presenting for best Actress in a Film Comedy. He basically tells all five female nominees he wants to bang them... and will willingly do so in order to determine who has done the "best work," which is AWESOME. No one is funnier than Downey. It definitely takes great character and sense of humor to get through the crap that dude has been through. Nominees are Annette Benning, Anne Hathoway, Angelina Jolie, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone. Winner is Annette Benning for The Kids Are All Right. Annette's hair looks schizo. Her dress is gorgeous, but she looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket. She gives a nice little comment about her indie experiences, and also manages to fit in time to thank "Mark Ruffolo our wonderful sperm donor."

During the commercial break, there are some silly shots of Gervais promoting the Globes and saying "It's live! What can they do?" Are you regretting your decision now, Hollywood Foreign Press? There is also the typical Local 4 News commercial about how there is chaos, murder and conspiracy in Detroit. No, YOU THINK?

Sylvester Stallone presents the clip for The Fighter, nominated for Best Motion Picture Drama. Pretty obvious why they picked Stallone. Side note, this movie was awesome. If Black Swan doesn't win, I hope this does.

Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton on stage to present Actor in a Mini Series or Television Movie. Nominees are Idris Elba (a gorgeous, gorgeous man), Ian McShane, Al Pacino, Dennis Quaid, Edgar Ramirez. Al Pacino wins for You Don't Know Jack. He looks both drunk and drugged, but he's freaking AL PACINO. 

Rush and Swinton back for Actress in Mini Series or Television Movie. Nominees are Hayley Atwell, Claire Danes, Judi Dench, Romola Garai and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, so she'd better not forget to thank her husband this time. She looks gorgeous in a Calvin Klein Collection hot pink dress. I really like her. She's in list mode on the thank-you's... 

Break time!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Globes #2

Michelle Pfeiffer presents Alice in Wonderland... not sure why her, but... it's nominated for Best Motion Picture Comedy. A clip ensues...

Gervais is back.... and is freely taking stabs at the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, Philip Burke... who isn't nearly as old as Gervais eluded to and probably doesn't need help on the toilet. But don't worry, Burke holds Gervais' balls when it comes to having films admitted for consideration... not that Gervais ever has movies worth considering at the Globes.

Burke gives a boring speech that people who aren't in the business wouldn't understand.

Milla Jovavich and Kevin Bacon take the stage to present Actor in a Television Series Drama. Nominees are Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Brian Cranston (Breaking Bad), Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Jon Hamm (Mad Men, aka the hottest man on earth), and Hugh Laurie (House). Steve Buscemi wins. He is one creepy looking dude, no matter how you cut it. I mean he could be a serial killer and I wouldn't be at all shocked. 

TV SERIES DRAMA: Big category. Nominees are Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, The Good Wife, Mad Men, and The Walking Dead. Golden Globe goes to Boardwalk Empire. I guess I'm a little surprised by the order of these awards. Why the junk are we giving away TV Series Drama right now? We're only a few commercials in... they could have easily saved this category for the end. They must REALLY be banking on the star power of presenters rather than the excitement of the awards... and with that frame of mind I suppose I wouldn't be surprised if Best Foreign Language Film was last because it's being presented by Robert Pattinson. I said his name... cue screaming girls (yes I'm one of them, but maybe not has admirably as usual considering Jon Hamm is in the room..)

After the commercial break, Andrew Garfield from Social Network stumbles his way through an introduction to The Social Network. His performance as a presenter is not inspiring me to let my guard down and see his movie. I have refused up until this point, because I hate Zuckerberg and the privacy-destroying horse he rode in on. Chris things he'll convince me otherwise, but I'm not convinced. After all, I hate the main character... and the movie is about how the awful main character invents Facebook, screws over his friends, and becomes an even bigger jerkoff. Yeah, sounds like fun. I'm sure it's great filmmaking and a fantastic/interesting movie, but I just.... can't.

Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez present Original Song, and Baldwin continues to impress me with his lollipops and gumdrops. Nominees are Burlesque, Country Strong, Tangled, Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Burlesque for a second number. Burlesque wins for the Cher knockoff because everyone loves a comeback. See, Gervais? People do want to see Cher in concert after 1975.

Now up is Best Original Score, which is an interesting one this year because a bunch of the movies originally nominated were disqualified because they used too much unoriginal music, including Black Swan and The Fighter. I guess I understand the rule. It's something like 70 or 80 % of what's used has to be completely original, and of course Black Swan revolves around Swan Lake, but still it takes a lot of work to make a score work with a complicated classic. Either way, The Social Network wins. Other nominees were The King's Speech, Alice in Wonderland, 127 Hours, and Inception.

Break time.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

68th annual Golden Globes BEGIN!

Yessss... Gervais is already drinking and insulting every possible actor with a target on their back. Splendid.

YEEESSSS! A Mel Gibson joke in the opening segment!!!! I called it. Also some pretty uncomfortable jokes about Hugh Hefner's marriage (omg he's dry heaving on stage... you can't make this stuff up), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes seemingly fake marriage, and how crappy the comedy nominations are (I'm talking to you, Tourist). He's getting a lot of boo's already. He wasn't joking when he said he'd make sure he was never offered the host job again.

Scarlett Johansson presents supporting actor drama for film. Her dress is awesome. Her hair is not. She looks like Bridget Jones in that scene where she loses her scarf in the convertible. Windswept! Nominations are Christian Bale, Michael Douglas, Andrew Garfield, Jeremy Renner, and Geoffrey Rush. Christian Bale wins, and might already be drunk based on how long he rambles on, but accepts graciously... which is a welcome change considering his general hatred of both the press and Hollywood. He also got the cue music, which surprises me because I would be scared of him if I were the program directors.

Now up is supporting actress in a drama for television. Presented by LL Cool J and some chick whose name I can never remember. Katey Sagal wins for Sons of Anarchy, and she's pretty stoked because let's be honest... the only thing she's really been known for so far is her role as Peggy Bundy on Married With Children. No way she was ever going to win something for that show--not that it wasn't great but, you know, it's not exactly the king of show loved by the Hollywood Foreign Press, youknowwhatimean?? She looks really nice in some sort of shiny orange number. She got the music really soon. I think Christian Bale used it up already.

Best mini-series or TV movie is up next, presented by Kevin Spacey and Julianne Moore. Nominees are Pillars of the Earth, Temple Grandin, The Pacific, You Don't Know Jack, and Carlos. Carlos wins. Did I just see Tom Hanks swearing that his baby, The Pacific, didn't win? Maybe. I sure hope this is short because, well, no one has heard of these movie makers or this movie/series. Not that what they're saying doesn't matter... it just doesn't matter because we don't know them.

Bruce Willis presenting the clip for RED, which is nominated for Best Motion Picture Comedy. Meh.

The Country Strong teenyboppers (Leighton Meester and Gabe whatshisbutt from Troy/Country Strong/Tron Legacy) are presenting Supporting Actor in TV Series, Mini Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. Nominees are Chris Noth (Good Wife) ....... and some other guys because HOLY CRAP Chris Colfer wins for Glee. Gives the assumed speech about bullying. He was just as surprised as the rest of us.

Break!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Let's talk Globes...

So tomorrow (Sunday) is the Golden Globes. Oooo, aaaah.

In the past I have liveblogged this event for friends, work, fashion, etc... I think it's time to revive that tradition. There's just something about the Globes that guarantees a good time. It isn't like the Oscars where people think they have to be serious, or the music awards where celebs tend to be more diva-ish. It might also have to do with the fact that A) someone nearly always ends up drunk, B) someone deserving generally always wins who is then snubbed come Oscar time, and C) the outfits are WAY more out there.

So check back in with Pass Fail Meter on Sunday for a rockin' good time, some laughs, some cocktails, and (hopefully) some award show surprises.

Oh, and Ricky Gervais has been asked back, which even he says is a crazy idea... because clearly he wasn't disgusting and offensive enough the first time. Who knows if we can expect him to mock Mel Gibson again... probably so considering Mel is on a promotional tour for his new movie "The Beaver." Yeah, no joke possibilities there........

It started with this at the 2010 Golden Globes:

Then this followed at the 2010 Emmys:

Amazing.

For this year's awards, the categories that are stockpiled with good nominations are motion picture drama and supporting actress. Those that are lacking include pretty much any of the motion picture comedy or musical categories... which is really disappointing because this is the one venue where film comedy gets some credit.

Here are this year's nominations:

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Black Swan

The Fighter

Inception

The King’s Speech

The Social Network

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

Halle Berry – Frankie and Alice

Nicole Kidman – Rabbit Hole

Jennifer Lawrence – Winter’s Bone

Natalie Portman – Black Swan

Michelle Williams – Blue Valentine

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network

Colin Firth – The King’s Speech

James Franco – 127 Hours

Ryan Gosling – Blue Valentine

Mark Wahlberg – The Fighter

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Alice in Wonderland

Burlesque

The Kids Are All Right

Red

The Tourist

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Annette Benning – The Kids Are All Right

Anne Hathaway – Love And Other Drugs

Angelina Jolie – The Tourist

Julianne Moore – The Kids Are All Right

Emma Stone – Easy A

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Johnny Depp – Alice in Wonderland

Johnny Depp – The Tourist

Paul Giamatti – Barney’s Version

Jake Gyllenhaal – Love And Other Drugs

Kevin Spacey – Casino Jack

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Amy Adams – The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter – The King’s Speech

Mila Kunis – Black Swan

Melissa Leo – The Fighter

Jacki Weaver – Animal Kingdom

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Christian Bale – The Fighter

Michael Douglas – Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Andrew Garfield – The Social Network

Jeremy Renner – The Town

Geoffrey Rush – The King’s Speech

Best Animated Feature Film

Despicable Me

How To Train Your Dragon

The Illusionist

Tangled

Toy Story 3

Best Foreign Language Film

Biutiful (Mexico, Spain)

The Concert (France)

The Edge (Russia)

I Am Love (Italy)

In A Better World (Denmark)

Best Director – Motion Picture

Darren Aronofsky – Black Swan

David Fincher – The Social Network

Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech

Christopher Nolan – Inception

David O. Russell – The Fighter

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Simon Beaufoy, Danny Boyle – 127 Hours

Christopher Nolan – Inception

Stuart Blumberg, Lisa Cholodenko – The Kids Are All Right

David Seidler – The King’s Speech

Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

Alexandre Desplat – The King’s Speech

Danny Elfman – Alice in Wonderland

A. R. Rahman – 127 Hours

Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross – The Social Network

Hans Zimmer – Inception

Best Original Song – Motion Picture

“Bound To You” – Burlesque /Music By: Samuel Dixon /Lyrics By: Christina Aguilera and Sia Furler

“Coming Home” – Country Strong/ Music & Lyrics By: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey and Troy Verges

“I See The Light” – Tangled/ Music By: Alan Menken/ Lyrics By: Glenn Slater

“There’s A Place For Us” – Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader/ Music & Lyrics By: Hillary Lindsey, Carrie Underwood and David Hodges

Best Television Series – Drama

Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Dexter (SHOWTIME)

The Good Wife (CBS)

Mad Men (AMC)

The Walking Dead (AMC)

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama

Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife (CBS)

Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men (AMC)

Piper Perabo – Covert Affairs

Katey Sagal – Sons Of Anarchy

Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer (TNT)

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Drama

Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad

Michael C. Hall – Dexter (SHOWTIME)

Jon Hamm – Mad Men (AMC)

Hugh Laurie – House (FOX)

Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical

30 Rock (NBC)

The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

The Big C (Showtime)

Glee (FOX)

Modern Family (ABC)

Nurse Jackie (SHOWTIME)

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical

Toni Collette – United States Of Tara (SHOWTIME)

Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie (SHOWTIME)

Tina Fey – 30 Rock (NBC)

Laura Linney – The Big C (Showtime)

Lea Michele – Glee (FOX)

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical

Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock (NBC)

Steve Carell – The Office (NBC)

Thomas Jane – Hung (HBO)

Matthew Morrison – Glee (FOX)

Jim Parsons – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television

Carlos (Sundance C)

The Pacific (HBO)

Pillars Of The Earth (STARZ)

Temple Grandin (HBO)

You Don’t Know Jack (HBO)

Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Hayley Atwell – Pillars Of The Earth (STARZ)

Claire Danes – Temple Grandin (HBO)

Judi Dench – Return To Cranford

Romola Garai – Emma

Jennifer Love Hewitt – The Client List

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Idris Elba – Luther

Ian McShane – Pillars Of The Earth (STARZ)

Al Pacino – You Don’t Know Jack (HBO)

Dennis Quaid – The Special Relationship

Edgar Ramirez – Carlos (Sundance C)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Hope Davis – The Special Relationship

Jane Lynch – Glee (FOX)

Kelly MacDonald – Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Julia Stiles – Dexter (SHOWTIME)

Sofia Vergara – Modern Family (ABC)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television

Scott Caan – Hawaii Five-O

Chris Colfer – Glee (FOX)

Chris Noth – The Good Wife (CBS)

Eric Stonestreet – Modern Family (ABC)

David Strathairn – Temple Grandin (HBO)

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter