This evil contraction does not touch the eye, but approaches you slowly (ever so slowly) until it shoots a jet of pressurized air at you. All the while, you stare at this menacing little green light that flashes, flashes, flashes... until WHAMO! POW! You've just been PUFFED! You blink and tear and attempt to recover from the experience.
It normally takes 2-3 attempts total for me to get both eyes right. Once my body feels that first jet in the successful eye, it just doesn't seem to want to let me open the other one all the way. So I get all squinty. But, alas, here is my tale of the septuplet eye puffs:
Seemingly Nice But Mean Assistant (SNBMA): Ok, Miss, follow me and we'll get started...
Woman leads me into the assistant living quarters, where they administer the pain.
SNBMA: So, what seems to be the problem?
Me: I woke up on Friday morning with what appears to be pink eye, but doesn't behave like pink eye. My right eye is teary rather than gooey, and it was painful and extremely light sensitive. I may need stronger eye drops, or perhaps I have a corneal abrasion? (Yes, I used the term 'corneal abrasion' because I did my homework on WebMD beforehand like any other hypochondriac.)
SNBMA: Ok, why don't you pull up to the machine on your right.
Me: You mean the eye puff machine?
Woman chuckles and is clearly familiar with how little people enjoy this procedure.
SNBMA: Yes, please. It won't take long. (In movies, this would be the line that works as foreshadowing for the main character who is about to suffer.)
Me: Ok, no problem.
SNBMA: Ok, just stare at the flashing green dot.
I stare at the light like a good patient, but already I can feel my palms sweating and my eyes drying as if to make it impossible to NOT blink five times per second.
SNBMA: Please, open your eye wider.
Me: Ok...
***PUFF!*** (#1)
SNBMA: We'll have to try that again. The machine caught your eyelashes.
I sigh to myself, because my eyelashes are extremely long... like the size of the fake ones, but twice as thick. So I'm pretty much screwed.
SNBMA: Ok, just stare at that green blinking light....
Staring...
SNBMA: Open your eye wider....
*Squints*
SNBMA: Wider...
*Squints, then makes 'WOW' face to trick body into opening eye.*
***PUFF!*** (#2)
SNBMA: Nope, we'll have to do it again. Didn't take.
Me: Ugh... I hate this. Ok, let's do it.
SNBMA: Why don't you lean back and blink as much as you like for a few minutes and then tell me when you're ready.
Me: Ok, that sounds good.
I spend a few minutes blinking at epic speed and do one of my psych-me-up exercises I used to use before tennis matches. I can do it, I can DO IT!
Me: Ok, let's do this.
SNBMA: Great, here I come. Just keep watching the green light.... open just a little more...
***PUFF!*** (#3)
SNBMA: I'm sorry about this, but we'll have to do that again.
Me: OMG, really? I mean this is the eye that's irritated... the already dried out one. It's getting harder to keep from blinking.
SNBMA: I know, but just one more and then we'll be done with this eye.
Woman readjusts machine. I watch the ever-blinking green demonic light. The machine continues to get closer. The machine moves closer than normal. Suddenly machine is in between my long eyelashes. Machine is still approaching. Machine traces inside of eyelid.
Me: Um, dude, you're in my eye! Not cool.
Woman sighs, retracts, and starts over.
Me: You know what? It would help me if you just told me when you were going to puff me so I'm not waiting in fear. Then I'll know when to really open it wide.
SNBMA: Ok, I can do that, absolutely.
Me: Great.
SNBMA: Ok, focus on the green light. Here I come with the machine... I'm adjusting... I'm getting closer... I'm getting closer. Ok, now open your eye wide. Here it comes...
... and I'll be damned if my eye just does NOT want to open on command. Somehow, I manage to trick myself with another 'WOW' face.
***PUFF!*** (#4)
SNBMA: Great, we got it. Now, the other eye....
Great.
SNBMA: Ok, I'm adjusting the machine... here I come. Now I'm ready to puff. Open wide.
***PUFF!*** (#5)
SNBMA: Ok, we have to do it again, but don't worry, I'll talk you through it again. I'm really very sorry about this. Sometimes the machine just has trouble.
Me: Okay.
Right.
SNBMA: Here I come, ready? Wider.
***PUFF!*** (#6)
SNBMA: Nope, we have to do that again.
Lip quivers.... eye squints uncontrollably...
SNBMA: Here I come, closer, closer. Just focus on that green light. Open your eye wider.
Eye quivers.
SNBMA: Wider, please.
Eye does opposite of body's commands and nearly shuts.
SNBMA: WIDER.
Me: I'm trying. This is stressful.
SNBMA: Ok, just take a break again. Lean back and blink as much as you need to. You just tell me when you're ready.
Psych yourself up. Come on. We can do this, eyeball. It's just air. It won't hurt you. We can do it. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
Me: Ok, I'm ready.
SNBMA: Great. Here we go. Machine is adjusting, still adjusting. Ok, all set. Ready for the puff? Open wider. Wider. WIDER.
Me: AHHHH! OK! OOOPPPPEEEENNNN!
Eye thinks it opens. Eye felt like it opened, at least.
***PUFF!*** (#7)
SNBMA: Sigh, alright.
I get the feeling eye did not open. But woman says nothing. No excited celebratory 'we did it.' No, 'ok, we're all done.' She just rolls back in her stool, sits there for a few minutes, and stands.
SNBMA: Follow me. I'll take you to the exam room.
Me: Oh. Ok.
Fin.
And thus, my experience with the eye puff machine reached a new low. I should make a note that I adore my optometrist. She is lovely and warm and has known me for years. And she's GREAT at her job. So this is not a critique of her, or of her practice. But I am not a fan of that machine, nor am I a fan of the young woman who was operating it that day, as she was visibly frustrated with my physical inabilities. Although I am thankful that she avoided blaming me for the debacle. Blaming the machine is always safe.
... even though it's her fault.
Eye patients, beware.
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