Yes, lady, I broke the pasta sauce bottle: Dexterity Fail

Sometimes I break things. I try not to, but sometimes it can't be helped. My wee midget hands are not equipped with the necessary phalanges to transport Object A to Location B without dropping it onto Floor C.

 

Case in point: I splattered a glass jar of EXPENSIVE pasta sauce all over the floor yesterday while unloading my groceries in the Busch's checkout aisle. I must have been trying to move too quickly.... the little moving tarp thing was moving on without me and I must.... fill... the space.... So I fumbled and dropped the bottle. It smelled nice, but there was glass and a large mess.

 

It really wasn't a big deal. The cashier was cool about it and was nice enough to not charge me, even though I offered to pay.

 

Alas, the woman behind me was less than accommodating. She kept scooting closer, then backing away, then rolling her cart closer, then backing away again. It's like she needed a running start to approach the checkout. She was visibly battling with herself... do I stay in this aisle?... do I switch aisles?... do I stay for a little while and THEN switch aisle?? And between each try, she would glare at me. There was *plenty* of room for her to unload after me, by the way... somehow I managed to break it off to the side by the magazine rack rather than in the middle of the aisle's walkway. But eventually she just reversed it out of my aisle and tried someone else. Then the little grocery helper came with his box of baking soda and his cleaner kit and roped off the area.

 

The rope really made me feel bad... causing someone to rope off an area because of how HAZARDOUS and DISTRACTING it has become.

 

I'm sorry I broke the sauce! I'M SORRY!

 

Don't hate me. Hate Muir Glen Organics for making their bottles so girthy.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Dear Netflix (aka Qwikster?), Stupid is as stupid does... Rebrand Fail

By now my fellow Netflix members are aware of the added kink to the "Netflix" system since the 60% price hike announcement a few months ago. Netflix CEO Reed Hastings wrote a blog post and emailed an abbreviated version to subscribers this morning about the recent changes. He said the company (and him personally) behaved arrogantly and without consideration for the paying customers. He said he owed us an explanation as to why there are now two packages... not that it would have any affect on the price increase, he said.

 

He seems to think it's the separation of services that bothered us, rather than the money. He also assures us that this is actually a more cost effective model, and it certainly is... for Netflix.

 

But in his attempt to rectify that mistake, Hastings and his team decided to separate the company even further. In other words, he made the non-issue of "separate packages" equally as troubling as the increase in price. He says this solution will lead customers to be less confused. This implies that Hastings is operating under the assumption that Netflix lost 600,000 subscribers and $2.5 billion in market value because customers were confused by the changes. This is not the case. We understood very well: you took a service that was affordable and convenient, split it into two service packages that are both less convenient than my original singular package, and then charged me more overall. But that was all fine and well for those of us still willing to pay, because it didn't actually impact our service. Our accounts still operated the same way, our DVD and instant queues worked together, and life went on. But this changes things entirely. This means Netflix is taking away part of the convenience AND charging me more for the privilege of still using both.

 

I think Linda Holmes summarizes the situation best over at the NPR Monkey See blog:

"Hastings seems to be operating under the premise that customers don't really understand what's going on; that they are angry because they think that a single business has increased its price when in fact it has merely split into two businesses that charge separately. Presumably, the idea is that making the split more definitive will make people slap their foreheads and say, "Oh, now I see. Netflix actually lowered its prices, as long as I don't buy Qwikster! And new Qwikster is cheaper than old Netflix! I'm coming out ahead, sort of, if I don't want all the services I used to get!"

The only problems with this approach are that its underlying assumptions are almost certainly wrong, and that it ignores major inefficiencies that will be introduced for customers who do, indeed, want to continue to use both streaming and DVDs. Now, if you want both, you have to go to two different sites with two different queues, you have to pay two different charges to two different entities, and in general, you have to have two different memberships. That's not psychologically better for consumers. That's buying two things which are both less helpful than the single thing you could get before.

It's like a shoe company deciding to sell right shoes and left shoes for 12 dollars each where pairs of shoes used to be 20 dollars and thinking that consumers will notice the lower 12-dollar price but not the fact that it buys only one shoe."

No, Hastings, I'm not confused. I'm pissed. This means you not only support sudden (and large) price increases, you also think I'm stupid enough to believe you when you tell me it's not actually a price increase. 

Now it is no longer easy to track which DVD titles are currently available on streaming, a feature I *loved* because my DVD queue is soooo long. Sometimes titles would pop up that were available instantly. I would see that on my DVD queue, watch it instantly, and remove it from the DVD delivery list. Now I will have to manage two separate lists and check both sites before I have a DVD mailed to me.

On top of that, if we have to have two separate lists, how will the company's separate websites handle movie recommendations? Do my ratings for instant movies only help create recommendations for other instant options? Will my previous ratings of streaming and DVD titles be separated into two distinct profiles for recommendations?

It's ridiculous. I get that Netflix needs to market and plan differently for streaming versus DVDs, but they could have done that and kept the Netflix name for all their services. I was on board with the price increase, because I was willing to pay more to keep the same service (which I loved). I am not willing to pay more so I can play the shell game with DVDs. The only explanation I can come up with for this type of behavior is that Netflix actually wants everyone to drop their DVD memberships and solely support streaming.... and then down the road when enough people have eliminated the mail-order package, Netflix will drop DVDs entirely and jack up the streaming prices. I'm sure they see their DVD capital as a drag on their company's potential long-term growth... and since the red envelope is what the Netflix brand is famous for, they think renaming that part 'Qwikster' and rebranding 'Netflix' as streaming will help them down the road. The only problem with that logic, however, is that their movie choices on streaming suck. So, if anything, I'll keep the DVD package and stop subscribing to the streaming. There are WAY more choices out there when it comes to streaming, but far fewer options when it comes to cheap and easy DVDs.

RedBox and HuluPlus just got their biggest breaks ever.

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Christmas Carols Anger Diaper Bomber: EPIC PASS

Get this...

 

So remember the diaper/underwear bomber incident on Christmas in 2009? Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria boarded a plane (Northwest Flight 253) in Amsterdam headed for Detroit, Michigan. He is accused of attempting to detonate an explosive device that he had hidden in his underwear, which didn't work and ended up burning his body in several places. After the plane landed and he was taken into custody, he was treated at the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI.

 

Writers for AnnArbor.com are reporting that Abdulmutallab objected to the Christmas music that was playing in the hospital while he was being treated. The article claims Abdulmutallab was being treated for his burn injuries when he asked the staff to turn off the Christmas music. The nurses were disinclined to acquiesce his request....

 

I'd have turned the volume up.

 

Score:

Jesus/Santa/Frosty/Rudolf: 1

 

Abdulmutallab/Terrorists: 0

 

 

Happy (early) holidays, everyone!

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Eye Doctor's Assistant: Fail

Eye puff machines scare me. They are designed to make little children cry and run to their mommy....

... and well into adulthood, I am still terrified of having to deal with them. But you know what is worse than the eye puff machine? Employees who can't properly administer the eye puff test, resulting in having to UNSUCCESSFULLY PUFF YOU SEVEN TIMES!

I'll give you a moment to let that number sink in...

.... seven ....

.... times ....

.... in the ....

.... eye ....

Ok, look. In general, I'm a pretty relaxed individual. Sure, I might give someone a judgy look if they embarass themselves, but I'm extremely calm in most situations and I almost NEVER get road rage.

The eye doctor's assistant wanted to test my reaction level in stressful situations, clearly. And for once, her actions absolutely elicited a response from me. She is either an evil sadist, incompetent at her job, or stupid for pushing my buttons when I was there to treat my ALREADY IRRITATED EYE.

Readers, meet the eye puff machine: 

This evil contraction does not touch the eye, but approaches you slowly (ever so slowly) until it shoots a jet of pressurized air at you. All the while, you stare at this menacing little green light that flashes, flashes, flashes... until WHAMO! POW! You've just been PUFFED! You blink and tear and attempt to recover from the experience.

It normally takes 2-3 attempts total for me to get both eyes right. Once my body feels that first jet in the successful eye, it just doesn't seem to want to let me open the other one all the way. So I get all squinty. But, alas, here is my tale of the septuplet eye puffs:

Seemingly Nice But Mean Assistant (SNBMA): Ok, Miss, follow me and we'll get started...

Woman leads me into the assistant living quarters, where they administer the pain.

SNBMA: So, what seems to be the problem?

Me: I woke up on Friday morning with what appears to be pink eye, but doesn't behave like pink eye. My right eye is teary rather than gooey, and it was painful and extremely light sensitive. I may need stronger eye drops, or perhaps I have a corneal abrasion? (Yes, I used the term 'corneal abrasion' because I did my homework on WebMD beforehand like any other hypochondriac.)

SNBMA: Ok, why don't you pull up to the machine on your right.

Me: You mean the eye puff machine?

Woman chuckles and is clearly familiar with how little people enjoy this procedure.

SNBMA: Yes, please. It won't take long. (In movies, this would be the line that works as foreshadowing for the main character who is about to suffer.)

Me: Ok, no problem.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at the flashing green dot.

I stare at the light like a good patient, but already I can feel my palms sweating and my eyes drying as if to make it impossible to NOT blink five times per second.

SNBMA: Please, open your eye wider.

Me: Ok...

***PUFF!*** (#1)

SNBMA: We'll have to try that again. The machine caught your eyelashes.

I sigh to myself, because my eyelashes are extremely long... like the size of the fake ones, but twice as thick. So I'm pretty much screwed.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at that green blinking light....

Staring...

SNBMA: Open your eye wider....

*Squints*

SNBMA: Wider...

*Squints, then makes 'WOW' face to trick body into opening eye.*

***PUFF!*** (#2)

SNBMA: Nope, we'll have to do it again. Didn't take.

Me: Ugh... I hate this. Ok, let's do it.

SNBMA: Why don't you lean back and blink as much as you like for a few minutes and then tell me when you're ready.

Me: Ok, that sounds good.

I spend a few minutes blinking at epic speed and do one of my psych-me-up exercises I used to use before tennis matches. I can do it, I can DO IT!

Me: Ok, let's do this.

SNBMA: Great, here I come. Just keep watching the green light.... open just a little more...

***PUFF!*** (#3)

SNBMA: I'm sorry about this, but we'll have to do that again.

Me: OMG, really? I mean this is the eye that's irritated... the already dried out one. It's getting harder to keep from blinking.

SNBMA: I know, but just one more and then we'll be done with this eye.

Woman readjusts machine. I watch the ever-blinking green demonic light. The machine continues to get closer. The machine moves closer than normal. Suddenly machine is in between my long eyelashes. Machine is still approaching. Machine traces inside of eyelid.

Me: Um, dude, you're in my eye! Not cool.

Woman sighs, retracts, and starts over.

Me: You know what? It would help me if you just told me when you were going to puff me so I'm not waiting in fear. Then I'll know when to really open it wide.

SNBMA: Ok, I can do that, absolutely.

Me: Great.

SNBMA: Ok, focus on the green light. Here I come with the machine... I'm adjusting... I'm getting closer... I'm getting closer. Ok, now open your eye wide. Here it comes...

... and I'll be damned if my eye just does NOT want to open on command. Somehow, I manage to trick myself with another 'WOW' face.

***PUFF!*** (#4)

SNBMA: Great, we got it. Now, the other eye....

Great.

SNBMA: Ok, I'm adjusting the machine... here I come. Now I'm ready to puff. Open wide.

***PUFF!*** (#5)

SNBMA: Ok, we have to do it again, but don't worry, I'll talk you through it again. I'm really very sorry about this. Sometimes the machine just has trouble.

Me: Okay.

Right.

SNBMA: Here I come, ready? Wider.

***PUFF!*** (#6)

SNBMA: Nope, we have to do that again.

Lip quivers.... eye squints uncontrollably...

SNBMA: Here I come, closer, closer. Just focus on that green light. Open your eye wider.

Eye quivers.

SNBMA: Wider, please.

Eye does opposite of body's commands and nearly shuts.

SNBMA: WIDER.

Me: I'm trying. This is stressful.

SNBMA: Ok, just take a break again. Lean back and blink as much as you need to. You just tell me when you're ready.

Psych yourself up. Come on. We can do this, eyeball. It's just air. It won't hurt you. We can do it. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Me: Ok, I'm ready.

SNBMA: Great. Here we go. Machine is adjusting, still adjusting. Ok, all set. Ready for the puff? Open wider. Wider. WIDER.

Me: AHHHH! OK! OOOPPPPEEEENNNN!

Eye thinks it opens. Eye felt like it opened, at least.

***PUFF!*** (#7)

SNBMA: Sigh, alright.

I get the feeling eye did not open. But woman says nothing. No excited celebratory 'we did it.' No, 'ok, we're all done.' She just rolls back in her stool, sits there for a few minutes, and stands.

SNBMA: Follow me. I'll take you to the exam room.

Me: Oh. Ok.

Fin.

And thus, my experience with the eye puff machine reached a new low. I should make a note that I adore my optometrist. She is lovely and warm and has known me for years. And she's GREAT at her job. So this is not a critique of her, or of her practice. But I am not a fan of that machine, nor am I a fan of the young woman who was operating it that day, as she was visibly frustrated with my physical inabilities. Although I am thankful that she avoided blaming me for the debacle. Blaming the machine is always safe.

... even though it's her fault.

Eye patients, beware.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

Farewell, Harry Potter: Pass with tears

Ok, so, obviously I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 at the midnight premiere. I also obviously loved it, like the rest of the wide majority. I went with some friends who agreed to make T-shirts with me... really classy black ones with iron-on decals for Platform 9&3/4.

I WOULD like to discuss the movie's Pass and Fail moments, because I think there are many equally fantastic and corny bits worth mentioning. However, this post is not about the highs and lows of the movie--I'll save that for my next post. For now, I wanted to share a column I was asked to write for Patch.com about the series as a whole and its impact on me. It's sort of the best way I know how to say goodbye to the series and the last 10 years, more or less.So without further adieu...

Ann Arbor (July 14, 2011)--At midnight tonight, scores of would-be witches and wizards will flock to the theater near them and partake in the climax of a phenomenon. They will all say goodbye to Harry Potter.

I am just one out of thousands of fans with tickets to a midnight release of the final film installment, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. But like those who will keep me company, I feel a deep individual connection to this series, so much so that I will probably shed several tears as the final credits roll.

I am a typical Potter maniac. I watched the movies at their midnight premieres and sometimes dressed up like a favorite character (Harry, Hermione and Prof. Trelawney). I frequent websites like the Leaky Cauldron and MuggleNet. I reserved the books before their release and read them cover to cover over weekends. I visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando,FL. squealing with glee at the shops and their treasures.

This is how the fan community of Harry Potter behaves. We know what it’s like to read a 1,000-page book in two days. We organize real Quidditch teams, even if we can’t fly. We cry when characters die and when they succeed.

I understand that those who aren’t a part of the mania must think we’re all nuts. Trust me, I feel the same way about Trekkies. Those who aren’t fans, however, have to admit it’s pretty cool that mere fantasy books can have this kind of effect on the world of reading.

Since there is no way I can possibly speak for all the fans who span the globe, all I can do with this farewell column is explain what the series means to me. The best way to properly do that is to return to the beginning.

When the Harry Potter books first came into my life, I was 12, just a year older than Harry was when he first entered Hogwarts. Like many in middle school, the reading I once enjoyed in elementary school had primarily been replaced with things like friends, sports and outdoor adventures.

Then I enrolled in a reading course that changed my life. Our only task every morning was to read for the full hour. After seeing a fellow student paw through "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone," I decided to give fantasy books another whirl.

What followed in those few weeks I spent with book one was magical, in every sense of the word. I realized that I not only missed reading, but that books could bring you into their world. J.K. Rowling made me feel like one of her Hogwarts students—hopefully a Ravenclaw—and I haven’t stopped voraciously reading since.

Therein lies the strength of the entire phenomenon: once you are a part of Harry’s world, there is no leaving it. Harry Potter is in all of us and his magical world is just like our own.

In fact, there isn’t a single social issue or personal dilemma from today’s world that the Harry Potter series ignores. Throughout the pages of these seven books, Harry Potter’s world is fraught with discrimination, classism, dirty politics, dictators, torture, loss and death. His world, like our own, attempts to fight these issues with love, friendship, courage and help from Dumbledore’s Army—also known as the Harry Potter Alliance in our world.

J.K. Rowling’s novels might be classified as fantasy, but their core isn’t about magic. Her books are about looking within for the strength to make the world better.

This premiere is emotional for Potter fans because Harry Potter has always been about more than the books, movies and merchandise. It’s about the experience. It’s about the camaraderie we share with one another each time we enter this magical world.

Once it’s all over, we will be able to relish in our memories and relive our experiences through the books and movies. We will not, however, be able to return to the premieres and the book parties that made friends out of nerdy strangers.

But, alas, we must move on. As Albus Dumbledore would say, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

No matter which direction our lives take us from here, our experiences over the last decade will bond fans forever. Those in my age group who grew up with Harry will likely return to him with nostalgia when we read his story to our own children.

So to those many Harry Potter fans out there: enjoy the final premiere night and enjoy the company of those who will share this moment with you. You have helped to change the world by forcing reading into the limelight.

And to J.K. Rowling: thank you for the experience. You are a part of my childhood, and you made it very special.

So, anyone have another series I can read to occupy my time now that Harry Potter is done? I suppose the Hunger Games movies are being filmed, which might be something worth looking forward to... and The Hobbit. But I've sort of run out of fantasy series reading material.

Posted via email from Pass Fail Meter

The cooking continues...

Greetings, friends. I had some major life changes in the last few months, causing me to somewhat abandon my various online blogging ventures, including Sporks & Spoons. But obviously my eating didn't stop, so it's easy enough to simply begin where we left off: cooking healthy lunches for myself in order to consume healthier meals and save some $money$.

The photo you see is my latest produce box from The Fruit Guys. I ordered a small regional produce box this time, so my fruits and veggies came from farms in Michigan, Illinois and Ohio. This week they sent me fennel, Bibb lettuce, kale, basil, blueberries, summer squash and cherries. Yesterday's lunch used up the last of the kale and fennel by using a recipe that came with the box. It was an apple, fennel and kale salad of sorts... which calls for essentially cooking those three things with some spice and onions/shallots/green onions. It was delicious, and I'm happy to share the recipe if you're looking for a sweet and spicy way to use up either fennel or kale.

I should add (considering my last post in January), that I ended up not participating in a CSA. I simply couldn't afford the downpayment given that I didn't know how much produce I would need or want. I started using the Fruit Guys instead because I can order what I know I need when I want to. But I may revisit CSAs again next year after I've nailed down the quantity I need.

Lunch today included a smoothie of sorts that I made from the blueberries and cherries. I coupled it with some wild rice, because there were leftovers and I can never resist wild rice.

I'll be traveling a bit over the next few weeks, but I'll be near some farms and cool gardens where I hope to find inspiration for some fabulous lunches. I'm going to give cooking a shot on the road because I think traveling (like work) is another activity that often sucks us into purchasing easy, fast midday meals. This shall not stand!

We'll see what I come up with...

Until next time, Cheers!

Script Frenzy: Wishing myself luck

Oh dear. It's that time again. Last year I did both the National Novel Writing Month ('09) and Script Frenzy ('10) for the first time. This year I attempted for a second time (and failed) NaNoWriMo 2010, and I intend to make a pass at Script Frenzy 2011 as well.

This seems like a good opportunity to mention that I (sort of) have more free time on my hands for writing nowadays, which bodes well for my successful completion of 100 pages of a script of some sort--good or bad. I made a sudden career change a little less than a month ago and am no longer officially a full-time editor and newspaper reporter. My current employment includes some copy editing, but it is mostly an office kind of job with phones and files and coffee and meetings. It is a big work change, not to mention a major schedule change that has me working 8am-5pm instead of noon-8pm or 10am-2am on deadline days.

I say that I sort of have more free time for writing because, in fact, I have been dealing with sudden stressful responsibilities due to a sick cat. We've been back and forth from the vet several times between work, and have been coming home to force feed her every 3-4 hours. So that's been a nightmare. We are hoping desperately that having a feeding tube placed in her stomach will make both her life and ours less stressed overall... not to mention hoping that she will come around. =(

So, really, who knows how this will go... I could have a major meltdown about my cat, or she could suddenly get better and then I have all this extra creative thinking time to knock out 100 pages of dialogue.

Here's hoping for a healthy kitty and a healthy appetite for words...

Cheers, and good luck to any other Script Frenzy addicts/masochists out there.

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