Eye Doctor's Assistant: Fail

Eye puff machines scare me. They are designed to make little children cry and run to their mommy....

... and well into adulthood, I am still terrified of having to deal with them. But you know what is worse than the eye puff machine? Employees who can't properly administer the eye puff test, resulting in having to UNSUCCESSFULLY PUFF YOU SEVEN TIMES!

I'll give you a moment to let that number sink in...

.... seven ....

.... times ....

.... in the ....

.... eye ....

Ok, look. In general, I'm a pretty relaxed individual. Sure, I might give someone a judgy look if they embarass themselves, but I'm extremely calm in most situations and I almost NEVER get road rage.

The eye doctor's assistant wanted to test my reaction level in stressful situations, clearly. And for once, her actions absolutely elicited a response from me. She is either an evil sadist, incompetent at her job, or stupid for pushing my buttons when I was there to treat my ALREADY IRRITATED EYE.

Readers, meet the eye puff machine: 

This evil contraction does not touch the eye, but approaches you slowly (ever so slowly) until it shoots a jet of pressurized air at you. All the while, you stare at this menacing little green light that flashes, flashes, flashes... until WHAMO! POW! You've just been PUFFED! You blink and tear and attempt to recover from the experience.

It normally takes 2-3 attempts total for me to get both eyes right. Once my body feels that first jet in the successful eye, it just doesn't seem to want to let me open the other one all the way. So I get all squinty. But, alas, here is my tale of the septuplet eye puffs:

Seemingly Nice But Mean Assistant (SNBMA): Ok, Miss, follow me and we'll get started...

Woman leads me into the assistant living quarters, where they administer the pain.

SNBMA: So, what seems to be the problem?

Me: I woke up on Friday morning with what appears to be pink eye, but doesn't behave like pink eye. My right eye is teary rather than gooey, and it was painful and extremely light sensitive. I may need stronger eye drops, or perhaps I have a corneal abrasion? (Yes, I used the term 'corneal abrasion' because I did my homework on WebMD beforehand like any other hypochondriac.)

SNBMA: Ok, why don't you pull up to the machine on your right.

Me: You mean the eye puff machine?

Woman chuckles and is clearly familiar with how little people enjoy this procedure.

SNBMA: Yes, please. It won't take long. (In movies, this would be the line that works as foreshadowing for the main character who is about to suffer.)

Me: Ok, no problem.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at the flashing green dot.

I stare at the light like a good patient, but already I can feel my palms sweating and my eyes drying as if to make it impossible to NOT blink five times per second.

SNBMA: Please, open your eye wider.

Me: Ok...

***PUFF!*** (#1)

SNBMA: We'll have to try that again. The machine caught your eyelashes.

I sigh to myself, because my eyelashes are extremely long... like the size of the fake ones, but twice as thick. So I'm pretty much screwed.

SNBMA: Ok, just stare at that green blinking light....

Staring...

SNBMA: Open your eye wider....

*Squints*

SNBMA: Wider...

*Squints, then makes 'WOW' face to trick body into opening eye.*

***PUFF!*** (#2)

SNBMA: Nope, we'll have to do it again. Didn't take.

Me: Ugh... I hate this. Ok, let's do it.

SNBMA: Why don't you lean back and blink as much as you like for a few minutes and then tell me when you're ready.

Me: Ok, that sounds good.

I spend a few minutes blinking at epic speed and do one of my psych-me-up exercises I used to use before tennis matches. I can do it, I can DO IT!

Me: Ok, let's do this.

SNBMA: Great, here I come. Just keep watching the green light.... open just a little more...

***PUFF!*** (#3)

SNBMA: I'm sorry about this, but we'll have to do that again.

Me: OMG, really? I mean this is the eye that's irritated... the already dried out one. It's getting harder to keep from blinking.

SNBMA: I know, but just one more and then we'll be done with this eye.

Woman readjusts machine. I watch the ever-blinking green demonic light. The machine continues to get closer. The machine moves closer than normal. Suddenly machine is in between my long eyelashes. Machine is still approaching. Machine traces inside of eyelid.

Me: Um, dude, you're in my eye! Not cool.

Woman sighs, retracts, and starts over.

Me: You know what? It would help me if you just told me when you were going to puff me so I'm not waiting in fear. Then I'll know when to really open it wide.

SNBMA: Ok, I can do that, absolutely.

Me: Great.

SNBMA: Ok, focus on the green light. Here I come with the machine... I'm adjusting... I'm getting closer... I'm getting closer. Ok, now open your eye wide. Here it comes...

... and I'll be damned if my eye just does NOT want to open on command. Somehow, I manage to trick myself with another 'WOW' face.

***PUFF!*** (#4)

SNBMA: Great, we got it. Now, the other eye....

Great.

SNBMA: Ok, I'm adjusting the machine... here I come. Now I'm ready to puff. Open wide.

***PUFF!*** (#5)

SNBMA: Ok, we have to do it again, but don't worry, I'll talk you through it again. I'm really very sorry about this. Sometimes the machine just has trouble.

Me: Okay.

Right.

SNBMA: Here I come, ready? Wider.

***PUFF!*** (#6)

SNBMA: Nope, we have to do that again.

Lip quivers.... eye squints uncontrollably...

SNBMA: Here I come, closer, closer. Just focus on that green light. Open your eye wider.

Eye quivers.

SNBMA: Wider, please.

Eye does opposite of body's commands and nearly shuts.

SNBMA: WIDER.

Me: I'm trying. This is stressful.

SNBMA: Ok, just take a break again. Lean back and blink as much as you need to. You just tell me when you're ready.

Psych yourself up. Come on. We can do this, eyeball. It's just air. It won't hurt you. We can do it. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Me: Ok, I'm ready.

SNBMA: Great. Here we go. Machine is adjusting, still adjusting. Ok, all set. Ready for the puff? Open wider. Wider. WIDER.

Me: AHHHH! OK! OOOPPPPEEEENNNN!

Eye thinks it opens. Eye felt like it opened, at least.

***PUFF!*** (#7)

SNBMA: Sigh, alright.

I get the feeling eye did not open. But woman says nothing. No excited celebratory 'we did it.' No, 'ok, we're all done.' She just rolls back in her stool, sits there for a few minutes, and stands.

SNBMA: Follow me. I'll take you to the exam room.

Me: Oh. Ok.

Fin.

And thus, my experience with the eye puff machine reached a new low. I should make a note that I adore my optometrist. She is lovely and warm and has known me for years. And she's GREAT at her job. So this is not a critique of her, or of her practice. But I am not a fan of that machine, nor am I a fan of the young woman who was operating it that day, as she was visibly frustrated with my physical inabilities. Although I am thankful that she avoided blaming me for the debacle. Blaming the machine is always safe.

... even though it's her fault.

Eye patients, beware.

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Farewell, Harry Potter: Pass with tears

Ok, so, obviously I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 at the midnight premiere. I also obviously loved it, like the rest of the wide majority. I went with some friends who agreed to make T-shirts with me... really classy black ones with iron-on decals for Platform 9&3/4.

I WOULD like to discuss the movie's Pass and Fail moments, because I think there are many equally fantastic and corny bits worth mentioning. However, this post is not about the highs and lows of the movie--I'll save that for my next post. For now, I wanted to share a column I was asked to write for Patch.com about the series as a whole and its impact on me. It's sort of the best way I know how to say goodbye to the series and the last 10 years, more or less.So without further adieu...

Ann Arbor (July 14, 2011)--At midnight tonight, scores of would-be witches and wizards will flock to the theater near them and partake in the climax of a phenomenon. They will all say goodbye to Harry Potter.

I am just one out of thousands of fans with tickets to a midnight release of the final film installment, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. But like those who will keep me company, I feel a deep individual connection to this series, so much so that I will probably shed several tears as the final credits roll.

I am a typical Potter maniac. I watched the movies at their midnight premieres and sometimes dressed up like a favorite character (Harry, Hermione and Prof. Trelawney). I frequent websites like the Leaky Cauldron and MuggleNet. I reserved the books before their release and read them cover to cover over weekends. I visited the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando,FL. squealing with glee at the shops and their treasures.

This is how the fan community of Harry Potter behaves. We know what it’s like to read a 1,000-page book in two days. We organize real Quidditch teams, even if we can’t fly. We cry when characters die and when they succeed.

I understand that those who aren’t a part of the mania must think we’re all nuts. Trust me, I feel the same way about Trekkies. Those who aren’t fans, however, have to admit it’s pretty cool that mere fantasy books can have this kind of effect on the world of reading.

Since there is no way I can possibly speak for all the fans who span the globe, all I can do with this farewell column is explain what the series means to me. The best way to properly do that is to return to the beginning.

When the Harry Potter books first came into my life, I was 12, just a year older than Harry was when he first entered Hogwarts. Like many in middle school, the reading I once enjoyed in elementary school had primarily been replaced with things like friends, sports and outdoor adventures.

Then I enrolled in a reading course that changed my life. Our only task every morning was to read for the full hour. After seeing a fellow student paw through "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone," I decided to give fantasy books another whirl.

What followed in those few weeks I spent with book one was magical, in every sense of the word. I realized that I not only missed reading, but that books could bring you into their world. J.K. Rowling made me feel like one of her Hogwarts students—hopefully a Ravenclaw—and I haven’t stopped voraciously reading since.

Therein lies the strength of the entire phenomenon: once you are a part of Harry’s world, there is no leaving it. Harry Potter is in all of us and his magical world is just like our own.

In fact, there isn’t a single social issue or personal dilemma from today’s world that the Harry Potter series ignores. Throughout the pages of these seven books, Harry Potter’s world is fraught with discrimination, classism, dirty politics, dictators, torture, loss and death. His world, like our own, attempts to fight these issues with love, friendship, courage and help from Dumbledore’s Army—also known as the Harry Potter Alliance in our world.

J.K. Rowling’s novels might be classified as fantasy, but their core isn’t about magic. Her books are about looking within for the strength to make the world better.

This premiere is emotional for Potter fans because Harry Potter has always been about more than the books, movies and merchandise. It’s about the experience. It’s about the camaraderie we share with one another each time we enter this magical world.

Once it’s all over, we will be able to relish in our memories and relive our experiences through the books and movies. We will not, however, be able to return to the premieres and the book parties that made friends out of nerdy strangers.

But, alas, we must move on. As Albus Dumbledore would say, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

No matter which direction our lives take us from here, our experiences over the last decade will bond fans forever. Those in my age group who grew up with Harry will likely return to him with nostalgia when we read his story to our own children.

So to those many Harry Potter fans out there: enjoy the final premiere night and enjoy the company of those who will share this moment with you. You have helped to change the world by forcing reading into the limelight.

And to J.K. Rowling: thank you for the experience. You are a part of my childhood, and you made it very special.

So, anyone have another series I can read to occupy my time now that Harry Potter is done? I suppose the Hunger Games movies are being filmed, which might be something worth looking forward to... and The Hobbit. But I've sort of run out of fantasy series reading material.

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The cooking continues...

Greetings, friends. I had some major life changes in the last few months, causing me to somewhat abandon my various online blogging ventures, including Sporks & Spoons. But obviously my eating didn't stop, so it's easy enough to simply begin where we left off: cooking healthy lunches for myself in order to consume healthier meals and save some $money$.

The photo you see is my latest produce box from The Fruit Guys. I ordered a small regional produce box this time, so my fruits and veggies came from farms in Michigan, Illinois and Ohio. This week they sent me fennel, Bibb lettuce, kale, basil, blueberries, summer squash and cherries. Yesterday's lunch used up the last of the kale and fennel by using a recipe that came with the box. It was an apple, fennel and kale salad of sorts... which calls for essentially cooking those three things with some spice and onions/shallots/green onions. It was delicious, and I'm happy to share the recipe if you're looking for a sweet and spicy way to use up either fennel or kale.

I should add (considering my last post in January), that I ended up not participating in a CSA. I simply couldn't afford the downpayment given that I didn't know how much produce I would need or want. I started using the Fruit Guys instead because I can order what I know I need when I want to. But I may revisit CSAs again next year after I've nailed down the quantity I need.

Lunch today included a smoothie of sorts that I made from the blueberries and cherries. I coupled it with some wild rice, because there were leftovers and I can never resist wild rice.

I'll be traveling a bit over the next few weeks, but I'll be near some farms and cool gardens where I hope to find inspiration for some fabulous lunches. I'm going to give cooking a shot on the road because I think traveling (like work) is another activity that often sucks us into purchasing easy, fast midday meals. This shall not stand!

We'll see what I come up with...

Until next time, Cheers!

Script Frenzy: Wishing myself luck

Oh dear. It's that time again. Last year I did both the National Novel Writing Month ('09) and Script Frenzy ('10) for the first time. This year I attempted for a second time (and failed) NaNoWriMo 2010, and I intend to make a pass at Script Frenzy 2011 as well.

This seems like a good opportunity to mention that I (sort of) have more free time on my hands for writing nowadays, which bodes well for my successful completion of 100 pages of a script of some sort--good or bad. I made a sudden career change a little less than a month ago and am no longer officially a full-time editor and newspaper reporter. My current employment includes some copy editing, but it is mostly an office kind of job with phones and files and coffee and meetings. It is a big work change, not to mention a major schedule change that has me working 8am-5pm instead of noon-8pm or 10am-2am on deadline days.

I say that I sort of have more free time for writing because, in fact, I have been dealing with sudden stressful responsibilities due to a sick cat. We've been back and forth from the vet several times between work, and have been coming home to force feed her every 3-4 hours. So that's been a nightmare. We are hoping desperately that having a feeding tube placed in her stomach will make both her life and ours less stressed overall... not to mention hoping that she will come around. =(

So, really, who knows how this will go... I could have a major meltdown about my cat, or she could suddenly get better and then I have all this extra creative thinking time to knock out 100 pages of dialogue.

Here's hoping for a healthy kitty and a healthy appetite for words...

Cheers, and good luck to any other Script Frenzy addicts/masochists out there.

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Breville 800ESXL espresso machine: Fail

Meet my Breville espresso machine. Hello, machine.

This machine does not work--possibly through a combination of things its owners have done and things its manufacturers have done.

So who is more to blame? Hard to say, really... but if it came down to a legal battle, it would probably be the human's fault.

It's always the human's fault.

Regardless, this is my dilemma. I'm putting it out there because the machine looks nice enough on the outside, and I want to believe that what it has on the inside counts just as much as its appearance. I want to give it that chance. So if any of you are espresso fiends or machine techy, let me know if you know what I should do.

This particular espresso machine was purchased several (many) years ago for my papa. It worked great. Since I no longer lived with my parents when it was purchased, I assumed that it continued to work great, but I really have no idea how well it continued to work/how often it was used/if it was regularly cleaned (it wasn't)/etc.

After reading the brief (novel) book of instructions, I noticed instructions for decalcifying--something I have an inkling has not been performed on this machine. When I try to run it now, it makes that sweeea-reeeeeee-kkkkkkkkk noise that espresso machines make. Then it does that chug, chug, chug sound it used to make when the pump was pushing water through the filter/beans. And yet..... nothing is coming out. No water droplets. The beans aren't even wet.

So what do you do to an espresso machine that doesn't have water coming through the brew head?

My first reaction was that I should decalcify. It must be clogged, I thought. But then I remembered that I can't decalcify if no water is going through.

I have seen reports on message boards from some people saying their pump stopped working after a year. If this is what happened to me, is it fixable? If so, how and for how much?

Help meeeeee...

Yours Truly,
Decaffeinated in Michigan

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(not so) Pure Michigan Winter Virgins: Pass

via notsopuremichigan.com

To go along with today's theme of SNOW, which amounted to approximately 6 inches in our area instead of the expected 10-17... a nostalgic look back at that wintery feeling in Michigan. Oh, to be a virgin amid a bed of snow, deflowering all living things left living in this frigid state...

As for the shmucks in Chicago who got hit by the 17 inches we were expecting, with their blizzard warnings, whiteouts, 60-mph winds, and chaos... stay inside, stay warm, and pull out that old Risk board. You're in for the long haul.

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Just another beautiful snow day from (not so) Pure Michigan

via notsopuremichigan.com

Go forth, wintery virgins... today is your wedding night.

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